Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
So lately, I've been worrying.. Well actually for years not just lately but since situations make it worst these days, I'm feeling like writing about it.
How do I start this?
Well starting the end of last semester, whenever I want to exactly describe me in one word I would just say that I'm an INFJ. As far as I know, I'm an INFJ through and through. This MBTI personality type describe me better than I had been doing for the past 19 years. Ironically as it might sound, it is a meaningful thing for someone like me to know it is not just me. Ironically as it might seem, at least I know there's more people out there having the same personality traits as me. It's like an ADHD person who don't freaking know what on Earth makes them different from others at school and later realized it's because they are special. Or any DID person who didn't know about the presence of another man in his own body but later becoming one with it. IDK if my analogies make sense that's how I feel. Bdw, I LOVE YOU FELLOW INFJs! I've said this once and other INFJ heard me and thanked me too for my existence which is a beautiful thing well this is becoming random.
Enough of the INFJ talks. The thing is if I have a slightest thing I couldn't agree with the personality type is that an INFJ present themselves amazingly. They are known for being a good speaker and would influenced people through words (eg: Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi) which is the exact opposite of me. Because for me, communicating with Earthlings is one of the most difficult things to do! No I'm not recluse or anti-social or extremely introvert type. I could say hi to a stranger I met in public. Its just that I only have several kind of people in my life:
- The one I love and look up to and have to compete up to their level because I want their recognition even though they are not really expecting me to but I'm forever not going to be on their level but still, I love them but still am going to be acknowledged by them one day so I need to make sure they only see the flawless me.
- The peer type, those I didn't care showing what I'm all about because I don't need to give reasons to my acts. Might consists of those from #1 which sometimes I believe I could spill part of my heart to these people but not entirely. Just in case.
- The I look up to and hope they notice me type. It's a bit like #1 but this group is mostly those I meet in the phase of growing up and I don't really have affection as I am to group #1 for this group. Eg: those I found perfect (mostly those in persatuan) and I want them to notice my abilities but forever couldn't because I can't show it to them ugh frustating
- The others. Those yeah I know your name you know my name I can be normal friends to you but please don't approach me or try to make conversation while I'm not with any of #1 or #2 because I cannot communicate with you without being awkward.
- Everyone else. The 'I can say hi to stranger I meet in public space' reference.
So exactly how do one present themselves well? How do people say what's on their mind? How do people not get nervous at the thought of being judged? How do they not having shivers on the spine while being the centre of attention? How do one overcome the gush of adrenaline? How do people glue their words together so they don't stutter? How do people manage not be having blackout then lose every single points about what they're about to say?
I don't know.
I might not know.
Rabbisyrahli sadri wayassirli 'amri wahlul 'ukdatan min lisani yafqahu qauli.
O my Rabb, make peace of my heart make ease of my daily affairs release the knots of my tongue so they can understand my words. Amin ya Rabbal 'laminn.
