have you ever?

suddenly lose the spirit to study?
feel to let go of everything?
feel you cannot go on?
feel you're lost?
feel like "screw everything. i'm not going to continue this!"?

Cause i am right now.
4 days to final exam for semester 1.
And i don't even know what exactly my mind is thinking.
I feel insecure i don't even know what to do.

The thoughts of "let's stop. screw the world and it's contents" and "seriously? what about your responsibility towards deen? towards family? towards yourself? what about all those pains and sacrifices you and the people around you made? yada yada yada" is now directly proportional.

Is your devastated heart or responsibility awared heart bigger?

That's the red light. I keep halting at the question because i don't know the answer myself.

..

There's this Islamic lecture I love to listen to. The highlighted part is:

 the most difficult pill for the muslims to swallow is article #6 of our deen; the qadr of Allah subhanahuwataa'la. we don't want to admit it. - Imam Qasir Khan

We have to give each other reminders.. Allah gave us the name Insaan which is literally translated the creature that has to be reminded. Because out of everything that Allah created, we are the only one that forgets.

This rant is becoming random.


Keep on ranting keep going.

The most pathetic part of me having a crisis right now is the fact that I realize that I should not. I am aware of this karat in my heart and I am indeed aware that I must get rid of it. But I could not.

I read those motivational and inspirational quotes between lines. I agreed but I didn't feel it as I were in the past. Allahu Allah. The amount of black dots (sins) in my heart must has gradually increasing T_______T


.. Honestly I think I need someone to talk to. Or at least someone who could talk to me. Maybe after all what I needis some kind of affection? No, I'm not trying to be an attention seeker right now. It's just that.. I'm slowly losing control of my own mind.

Ojjorago?

Or maybe all I need is to let it out. Sometimes a trouble becomes troubles when you keep it within yourself. And when you think too deeply about it.

Yes Nikhakimah, definitely! Even if there's no one, Allah is still there. Alll the time. You just have to stop distancing yourself from Him with all the 'lagha'ness.

Allahu Allah.
How exactly can I forget that.

Insaan.

La haulawala quwwata illabillah.
I am indeed weak.

Ya muqallibal qulub, tsabit qulubi a'la dinik wafi thaa'tik.
Ya Allah Yg Maha Membolak balikkan hati, tetapkan hatiku pada agamaMu dan mentaa'tiMu.

Ya Allah janganlah Engkau pesongkan hati kami sesudah Engkau memberi hidayah kepada kami.
Amin ya Rabb.