No, not the high expectation.

I haven't post anything for a few days. Yea since last year. I'm just a little bit busy w/ school. School is started, I got my SMU result, be in new class. Well, w/ the old classmates but in new class, new teachers except for some.

I'm not coming for everyday story but I'm really feeling upside down right now.

I don't know how to start but here's the deal. I've been attending yea you know the tuition class I told before. It was great, pro teacher teaching good stuff but still, he only teach Physics and +Math. So yea, for the last few days of school. Nurin told me how she've been attending Pusat Tuisyen Kami in PC and yea she learn all the subjects and stuff. She didnt have a ny problem w/ understanding so far. So.. I kinda interested yeah and it is much cheaper! Peeps, yea money is not the problem, I know but still, being in a class w/ Nurin I've known her and she know me well. If I dont understand something, she'll help me and vice versa. So, being in Cikgu Lie's tuition class w/ no one I really know makes it hard for me. And it feels a little bit burden when someone know that I'm from Maahad, literally the best school. Yea you know, people judge :"X

I talked to my mom last Wednesday and today I ask for the final decision. I thought it's a green light but she said that Cikgu Shidah (literally she's the one that introduce Cikgu Lie's tuition class) told that there's another tuition class that's good. Teaching Bio, Phy, Chemy, +Math and etc. She said that I can attend both that and Cikgu Lie's. I mean .. What's with Cikgu Shidah again? Yea I know her, his son is one year older. We've met before and yea he is totally someone who loves studying and and we're totally different. That's it.

I know my mom wants the best for me. But I feels that her expectation is so high this time. It should be common, I'm taking SPM this year. But it feels like everyone judges me by my SMU result. Just bcause I got 10 mumtaz, because I got imtiyaz but does it menas that I'm that good to .. Idk, I don't even know my SPM target. I just ..

Everyone keep talking about my future. And e/time they mention that to be honest, I'm uncomfortable with it. I just can smile and yea I didnt give any positive reactions, it feels like e/time someone brought up the issue, I'll literally smiling but yeah inside I'm dying.

I just feels that everyone expectation is soooooo soo high on me..!!!
I feel so scare, I feel alone and I feel so lonely, there's no one that I can clung into.

Is it really necessary that yea Alhamdulillah that everytime I got through big examination in my life, I kind of succeed. Breaking the records of my siblings. Yea someone told me that I'm gifted. If true then Alhamdulillah but still, I cant hide the fact that sometimes I feel it as a burden on me. That's why when I got my SMU result, I tried to be like yea, it's nothing. I don't really give a damn about it, but then I realized everyone thinks of me as .. arrogant? Maybe idk :"(

And it don't erase the memory when I got only 8A's in PMR, it was totally heart-breaking. I feel like being bashed eventhough no one did that. I feel so upside down not bcause of the result but how people react. It's like everyone also have a high expectation that time and yea since I got my result, it's like.. The atmosphere is dying.

I don't want to get through that again. Just never! But yea everyone forgot that already I think, since I got my SMU result everyone forgot that. It'll just stick into my memory after all. A heartbreaking memory.

And I just can still remember how everytime I was heartbroken, or being upside down no one will ever realized or maybe they do but they won't give a damn. Yea I'm not affected by that, it's okay since I grow up digging the inner strength in me. During the times, I would comfort myself, bring me up again all by myself.

That's not the issue here.

But still, I'm afraid I'll put everyone down again this time. I just can't think of anything that would be the best choice. So yea, I'll just follow what everyone says again this time. I've been doing this for the 16 years eh? Sometimes I do feel and I do afraid that I cant even make my own decision for small things bcause I'm used to the situation that even though I think about it, someone else have done it for me. Positively thinking, there's someone who thinks about me and foe me. Yea that could be right :"33

Okay peeps, that's it. That's for hearing lmou I don't need listeners, I just need readers. I can write my problems but I can't tell, that's it :")

You read this but please just don't give a damn about this. This is normal right. Everyone go through the days that's just not asgood as other days right? I'm a teenager, this is normal. Kbye.