Just a brief rant.

I saw a draft in my spider-webbed blogpost. I feel like posting it, it's undone but I just want to post it here. Idk it's just yeah.

So here it is;

Well, I think I am different. I feel 26378929x different from the me. It’s not just that I think I am ignorant but it’s a whole new level of idk how to express this... heck-kind-of-attitude?  I stop giving a thing to everything and everyone. Including me myself. Unlike before, I don’t even care about what happened, what’s happening and what’ll happen to myself. I do not feel superior nor am I being protective over myself anymore. I feel like I AM LESS THAN ANYBODY. Less than my siblings, less than my close-relatives, less than my friends, less than my peers, less than anyone I met even briefly on the street to FSG. I feel like I am a shame to myself thus the un-protectiveness. I do, somehow feel bad about it though. I feel bad for the me who is abandoned - who all this while, only have myself over my back. I feel bad for the me who knows nothing and suddenly be shut off by myself. The innocent, pure little girl inside me. I also feel bad for the me who used to be happy protecting myself, picking myself up when things are hard to manage that turned cold-hearted toward the other me(s). It exasperates me, it bothers me, it hurts me. But nothing I can do about that.The fact that I am realizing this situation is also a coincidence. I don’t even realize that the me(s) are suffering – because of me myself.

What really happened?

I can’t recall a specific reason for that. Is it because of the no-time-for-self because I am busy with my study or because my time is occupied with empty laughs? I admit laughing and joking around a lot more this semester. Because I have my ‘gu’. And we have nonstop topic to talk about. I then became a bit too comfortable with the situation that I forget about everything else. The thing about being happy with friends isn’t the problem. I am the problematic one. I rarely have the moment of solitude as the only thing I cared about every morning is about going to class with my ‘gu’. The togetherness makes me forget that I need a moment for myself – to sit back, relax and think. TO organize everything in its place. Yes I look okay always tagging along with friends, I don’t look as much lonely as I was in semester one but I often have this suffocating, not getting enough oxygen. Laughing is the best medicine but who says you could consume medicine as your daily meal? We cannot have too much of a good thing. 

When we’re being hurt by anyone important in our life, we tend to slow our pace down below their level and have a deep talk with ourselves. That way we can fix what’s wrong with us, mend our hearts and become stronger by not depending too much on others. But again when we’re being too comfortable being around others, we would feel insecure when they’re not by our side. Service not available, said our heart. In my case, even when that happen I just have to make up another scene in my head “ahh that is normal. In every group of people, sometimes some people are hurt unintentionally – well let’s not be sad and enjoy yourself hahahhahhahahhahahhaahhahhaha”. Pathetic. I no longer have any sympathy on myself, don’t even bother to tarbiyah my soul by being extra optimistic. Yess being positive is a good thing but when you’re seeing the glass half full even when it’s empty – that’s a serious problem!

I said that it’s going to be a quick rant but I probably already say it better than what I think I am feeling. I’m not even sure whether I am not awakened or I am being immuned. But whatever it is, you better think of the other you(s) kimah. And if you really don’t know where you’ve got off the track, you better start seeking the 17 y/old you. She suffered a lot at her age and she probably know you better than you do now. Seek the wise in you, care for the young in you and leave the best for the future you.

Honestly I feel good saying this. Through words. Because in fact I don’t even know what I am actually feeling unless I start to write it down. Words just keep on flowing – fingers automatically pressed down the keyboard. And again I feel really bad for that part of myself. If and only if I haven’t had any intention on doing this, to whom must she say this? When I am turning my back from me, then who am I going to lean on?

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I used to think that I'm the best..

Back then, I used to think that I am the best (read: naega jeil jalaga) as in the best of the best but still, I'm not the overly narcissistic kind of. I acknowledge my flaws and imperfections but it's just something that I deeply put in myself; I AM THE BEST.

Yes I'd never had high confidence level when I'm in public but I've always seen me as the best. I'm good in everything! I'M A KID PRODIGY lulz well that's how I saw myself (or at least what I think of myself all the time. Alone.) because well hey positive thinking leads to positive outcome! I was a bright kid no this is for real. Basically I could do things most kids in my age had never heard about. For example, I've used helps from Google since I was in standard 6 despite the fact that I am actually a Kelantanese (read: I was indeed a village kid well you know what Im saying) while the best my friends could do is playing Paint on the computer. Obviously, most of my awesomeness are since I have so many brothers and sisters (well again, this is why I couldn't really brag about my awesomeness I'm INFJ guys this is a another separate story) but really, I'm so good during my 12-17 years old that I'm ashamed as a 20 years old now.

Why am I ashamed? Well I'm 20 now. Legit 20. And now that I'm writing this down, I still cannot brain how am I twenty? I used to think that 20 years old is somehow very far to achieve as a teenager. As it must be a fully grown age, totally different from the un-matured me. Hurm, well I was not completely right. It's true that somehow because of the age difference and the experiences faced in life difference, we could say that the current me is matured but how exactly is the word 'maturation' defined? 

Nowadays, I kept thinking of my past selves. The un-matured but more concious selves. I used to think about everything now it seems like I thinking about nothing and the worst part is, I am not even trying! I am entirely a paradox. My current self is a walking paradox. I'm losing all those awesomeness and I couldn't even dream about being the best me, ever again.

I'm twenty yet what do I achieve? I barely achieve dekan in my first semester and suffocated to finish second semester and still cannot predict how my semester two cgpa would be. I suffocated. Barely able to breath and that was just my FIRST YEAR OF DEGREE. I failed my MARA and JPA scholarships application (MARA: post SPM and JPA: first and second sem in degree). Yes I have no rezeki but to me, it's more than that; I'm lacking the requirements that's why. And I didn't learn from past experience. Shame on my face.

I'm twenty and I'm not even good in my hobbies. Remember the past me -- the die hard fangirl me? She's all immature but well she's got the skills. If I was still the same girl I'd probably bring me higher well she got the jams; she's the best introvert-extravert personality of mine. The persistence and perseverance she put in everything she did were just amazing. Now I don't even have the heart to finish what is undone. *sigh I need to have a continuous hobby like editing videos, photoshopping, website designing, stalking etc.

 Idk what to say anymore, I'm already out of feels ahahhaha; I'll leave you with urm my new favourite -- the psycophatic trio lee hyeon min and lee joon young #psycopathsFTW #lulz

9 Confessions of an INFJ about Conflict

1. I take conflict personally. I tend to blame myself, even if it’s not completely my fault. I’m not like Thinking types (especially the ENTJ or ESTJ), who can detach themselves from the conflict and debate simply as a mental exercise.
2. I’m a gentle soul, and “fighting” has a different definition for me. It isn’t just yelling. It can be as little as the other person raising his or her voice and snapping at me, criticizing me, or disagreeing with me.
3. If you actually yell at me or insult me, I will be wounded for a long time. This is why, as a kid, I rarely misbehaved. I was always that good child, the good student. I couldn’t bear to have an adult scold me. When the teacher yelled at other kids in my class, I felt the tension so real within me, it could have been happening to me.
4. With that said, there’s a side of me you’ll hopefully never see. Don’t underestimate my gentle nature. I’m not all warm fuzzies and smiles. If you cross one of my deeply held inner values, I become extremely outspoken and crusading. If I see someone else being hurt, I’ll have a strong urge to be their protector and defend them. An angry INFJ can deliver a wrath and intensity you’ve probably never experienced before. 
5. I tend to internalize conflict (just like I do with all of my emotions). I feel conflict and stress physically in my body, until it’s resolved.
6. I’ll think about everything that was said during the fight a thousand times. I’ll replay your words and mine and feel the emotions again and again each time. This is my introverted intuition and introverted thinking functions at work, trying to analyze and assign meaning to what happened. My mind will be so busy, I may have a hard time sleeping.
7. It takes a long time for me to calm down. If you’ve aroused my anger, it will simmer for a while. If I’m sad, it will take me a while to become happy again. This is because, as an introvert, I process my emotions very deeply.
8. Sometimes I bottle up my feelings for too long. I’m afraid that if I say how I really feel, I might hurt you. That’s the last thing I want to do. Plus, I think in images, so sometimes I just don’t have the words to say how I’m feeling.
9. Conflict is overstimulating for my sensitive, introverted system. You may experience this as the “INFJ freeze.” I have heard you, but my mind is paralyzed and I have no idea what to say back. So I sit there, staring, in silence.       

Taken here. There's 10 confessions but I couldn't really relate to the tenth. This is so accurate I feel like I should post this everywhere so the people around me could read it ut again, no I won't. I can't.