I used to think that I'm the best..

Back then, I used to think that I am the best (read: naega jeil jalaga) as in the best of the best but still, I'm not the overly narcissistic kind of. I acknowledge my flaws and imperfections but it's just something that I deeply put in myself; I AM THE BEST.

Yes I'd never had high confidence level when I'm in public but I've always seen me as the best. I'm good in everything! I'M A KID PRODIGY lulz well that's how I saw myself (or at least what I think of myself all the time. Alone.) because well hey positive thinking leads to positive outcome! I was a bright kid no this is for real. Basically I could do things most kids in my age had never heard about. For example, I've used helps from Google since I was in standard 6 despite the fact that I am actually a Kelantanese (read: I was indeed a village kid well you know what Im saying) while the best my friends could do is playing Paint on the computer. Obviously, most of my awesomeness are since I have so many brothers and sisters (well again, this is why I couldn't really brag about my awesomeness I'm INFJ guys this is a another separate story) but really, I'm so good during my 12-17 years old that I'm ashamed as a 20 years old now.

Why am I ashamed? Well I'm 20 now. Legit 20. And now that I'm writing this down, I still cannot brain how am I twenty? I used to think that 20 years old is somehow very far to achieve as a teenager. As it must be a fully grown age, totally different from the un-matured me. Hurm, well I was not completely right. It's true that somehow because of the age difference and the experiences faced in life difference, we could say that the current me is matured but how exactly is the word 'maturation' defined? 

Nowadays, I kept thinking of my past selves. The un-matured but more concious selves. I used to think about everything now it seems like I thinking about nothing and the worst part is, I am not even trying! I am entirely a paradox. My current self is a walking paradox. I'm losing all those awesomeness and I couldn't even dream about being the best me, ever again.

I'm twenty yet what do I achieve? I barely achieve dekan in my first semester and suffocated to finish second semester and still cannot predict how my semester two cgpa would be. I suffocated. Barely able to breath and that was just my FIRST YEAR OF DEGREE. I failed my MARA and JPA scholarships application (MARA: post SPM and JPA: first and second sem in degree). Yes I have no rezeki but to me, it's more than that; I'm lacking the requirements that's why. And I didn't learn from past experience. Shame on my face.

I'm twenty and I'm not even good in my hobbies. Remember the past me -- the die hard fangirl me? She's all immature but well she's got the skills. If I was still the same girl I'd probably bring me higher well she got the jams; she's the best introvert-extravert personality of mine. The persistence and perseverance she put in everything she did were just amazing. Now I don't even have the heart to finish what is undone. *sigh I need to have a continuous hobby like editing videos, photoshopping, website designing, stalking etc.

 Idk what to say anymore, I'm already out of feels ahahhaha; I'll leave you with urm my new favourite -- the psycophatic trio lee hyeon min and lee joon young #psycopathsFTW #lulz