Just a brief rant.

I saw a draft in my spider-webbed blogpost. I feel like posting it, it's undone but I just want to post it here. Idk it's just yeah.

So here it is;

Well, I think I am different. I feel 26378929x different from the me. It’s not just that I think I am ignorant but it’s a whole new level of idk how to express this... heck-kind-of-attitude?  I stop giving a thing to everything and everyone. Including me myself. Unlike before, I don’t even care about what happened, what’s happening and what’ll happen to myself. I do not feel superior nor am I being protective over myself anymore. I feel like I AM LESS THAN ANYBODY. Less than my siblings, less than my close-relatives, less than my friends, less than my peers, less than anyone I met even briefly on the street to FSG. I feel like I am a shame to myself thus the un-protectiveness. I do, somehow feel bad about it though. I feel bad for the me who is abandoned - who all this while, only have myself over my back. I feel bad for the me who knows nothing and suddenly be shut off by myself. The innocent, pure little girl inside me. I also feel bad for the me who used to be happy protecting myself, picking myself up when things are hard to manage that turned cold-hearted toward the other me(s). It exasperates me, it bothers me, it hurts me. But nothing I can do about that.The fact that I am realizing this situation is also a coincidence. I don’t even realize that the me(s) are suffering – because of me myself.

What really happened?

I can’t recall a specific reason for that. Is it because of the no-time-for-self because I am busy with my study or because my time is occupied with empty laughs? I admit laughing and joking around a lot more this semester. Because I have my ‘gu’. And we have nonstop topic to talk about. I then became a bit too comfortable with the situation that I forget about everything else. The thing about being happy with friends isn’t the problem. I am the problematic one. I rarely have the moment of solitude as the only thing I cared about every morning is about going to class with my ‘gu’. The togetherness makes me forget that I need a moment for myself – to sit back, relax and think. TO organize everything in its place. Yes I look okay always tagging along with friends, I don’t look as much lonely as I was in semester one but I often have this suffocating, not getting enough oxygen. Laughing is the best medicine but who says you could consume medicine as your daily meal? We cannot have too much of a good thing. 

When we’re being hurt by anyone important in our life, we tend to slow our pace down below their level and have a deep talk with ourselves. That way we can fix what’s wrong with us, mend our hearts and become stronger by not depending too much on others. But again when we’re being too comfortable being around others, we would feel insecure when they’re not by our side. Service not available, said our heart. In my case, even when that happen I just have to make up another scene in my head “ahh that is normal. In every group of people, sometimes some people are hurt unintentionally – well let’s not be sad and enjoy yourself hahahhahhahahhahahhaahhahhaha”. Pathetic. I no longer have any sympathy on myself, don’t even bother to tarbiyah my soul by being extra optimistic. Yess being positive is a good thing but when you’re seeing the glass half full even when it’s empty – that’s a serious problem!

I said that it’s going to be a quick rant but I probably already say it better than what I think I am feeling. I’m not even sure whether I am not awakened or I am being immuned. But whatever it is, you better think of the other you(s) kimah. And if you really don’t know where you’ve got off the track, you better start seeking the 17 y/old you. She suffered a lot at her age and she probably know you better than you do now. Seek the wise in you, care for the young in you and leave the best for the future you.

Honestly I feel good saying this. Through words. Because in fact I don’t even know what I am actually feeling unless I start to write it down. Words just keep on flowing – fingers automatically pressed down the keyboard. And again I feel really bad for that part of myself. If and only if I haven’t had any intention on doing this, to whom must she say this? When I am turning my back from me, then who am I going to lean on?

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