Never a BAE

Disclaimer: The only definition of BAE here is beyond anyone else and has no connection whatsoever with the hipster's trend word 'bae' which makes the long and real title for this post is 'never a beyond-anyone-else'. Disclaimer ends.

Ehemm ehem /clear throats/ so apparently today I'm going to rant out why I was and still ain't a bae; in my family. Yes the focus is my family. So first and foremost, let me properly introduce myself. Hi my name is Hakimah, I am 19 years old-- almost 20 and I am the last daughter of 16 siblings, having countless (more like I don't remember how many) aunts and uncles from both parents' side, infinity amount of cousins, with 7 in-laws (and counting) and 27 nieces+nephews (and counting). Alhamdulillah for this gigantic (big and large is overrated) family <3 Unfortunately, I'm more to a loser when I'm with them. I'll get to this part a bit later.

Secondly, my most and ultimate dream as a child (still valid though) is to be beyond anyone and everyone else in everything. I want to be 엄마의 친구 딸 (read: eomma chingu ddal) which is a Korean slang which literally means 'mom's friend daughter'. I bet I didn't have to elaborate on this, it's a self-explanatory /cough/ /cough/ So along my growing age, I just want to be good in everything; school, playing, exploring, everything. However, I was also an overzealous introvert so those burning passion stays inside me without people realizing it. It doesn't really matter as what I want (at that time) isn't the skills of studying or playing but the attention and recognition from other. Yeah lulz at me being an attention seeker despite that young age ho ho hoo  ㅠㅠ

Frankly speaking (self-boast alert!), I am quite an advanced girl of my age. Because of the age gap between me and my siblings, I have quite a lonely growing phase and internet is my best friend. Thus I discover many things that most of my friends never heard about. I also frequently got good grades in school and my English for a village teenage girl from Kelantan is quite good. My general knowledge is also larger than most friends of course thanks to the power of Internet! and my siblings. This is one of the benefits of having many brothers and sisters I get to learn many things indirectly every day. Imagine having nine brothers with different careers and then there's five sisters with different passion, well don't forget six in-laws with different backgrounds and experiences. Well, it is awesome.

The oh-so-not-awesome part of this is because they're so awesome I am un-awesome. At all. Which is why I am never a bae in my family. No matter how I try, I could never surpass them. I could never get their recognition (actually, the whole getting recognition from them is made by me for myself. nobody knew about this so it's my decision whether I had surpass them or not) and I could never be a bae.

Years after years from UPSR to PMRU to PMR to SMU to SPM to matriculation and now I'm doing my degree, all these years and I still think they're way awesom-er than me. No matter how many A's and CGPA I earned, I couldn't even be on the same line with them not even surpassing them. No. Not even close. That is why, when friends of my age be like "Wow how do you learn to do this?" "Oh you're so talented" "Wait what is the thing you're talking about" "Hey where did you learn that?"kind of thing, I could never take those compliments as they're not even mine. No me gusta.

You might think I'm exaggerating, but remember my only goal as a kid is to get recognition from my family members so it is very important for me to get their attention but I lack in everything even though it seems like I'm good in many things so it is hard. Very much.

Even though sometimes I possess special characteristics of my own, knowing much more than any of them or become the person someone ask something, I would still feel unreliable enough because I do not have much experiences as they do. They live longer than I am, they face a lot more than I am.

I'm not writing this so someone or even my family members realized and start to show me attention and give me recognition no! I'm writing this because I'm not a girl of words and I dont express my feels openly so my family members probably don't know that I am very grateful and blessed to have them. Even though it's hard to accept the loser part of me but at least, I take that as a flaw of mine. But to think twice, none of my family members actually read my blog. Our blogging phase ended years ago and I changed my link ( I checked earlier, they still have my old blog link so yeah nobody read this I'm 89% sure) thus the actual reason for me to write this is just to write out my heart. I just feel like writing. Hhahahaha.

I also feel a bit sorry because of my obsessive competitive heart; I often act like miss-know-all. Yeah it's annoying but sometimes I couldn't help but to act that way. I need to fix that up, pray for me.

One thing for sure, even if one day any family member is to find this entry and read my heart which I rarely expose; I'm positive it will be years later. So no worry, I won't feel that much ashamed then :P

Alhamdulillah tsummalhamdulillah for this family. 영원한 사랑.

She who will never be a bae,

@bionikiim'15