Hola cómo estás hermosas personas! ♥
So first, I am here again after 3 months eh? After contemplating and reflecting a lot, I am finally here. Phew. What should I start with first though?
Ok so, my semester 4 ends (well not completely as my final examination result is not. yet. announced.) which means my second year of degree is also completed. I AM A THIRD YEAR DEGREE STUDENT NEXT SEMESTER! Weheee, my heart is flattering.
And as usual, I am here every semester break to sum up the whole semester. That's the reason why I gather up all energy and starts using my finger muscles to write this. Yes people I dont use much of my fingers except for scrolling my newsfeeds. Hoho.
So how would I describe my fourth semester? Depressing. Yeah it's depressing how I use the word to describe my whole semester right? I am not as affected now but I remember how depressing it was. Certainly, fourth semester won't be playing nice with you. Wait, this reminds me of BTS's Second Grade. Let me go find the lyrics and paste it here while I'm on it.
I’m already in my second year (oh no)
At the blink of an eye, time is so fast (go go)
Work hard play hard right
A year passed like a miracle bye
But what to do? I’m getting worried
I might be a bit more comfortable but there’s still so much to learn
Every time I get a break, the teacher keeps nagging
“You need to take the test!”
What do you mean test
Teacher, we are human too
Just nod along, nod
Let’s push everything back today and go tease the juniors
I’ll go to the PC cafe today, I can’t sleep
Yeah second year do that to everyone I guess. Well seeing that my whole semester doesn't feel as depressing now haha #positivitypower Ok so now instead of complaining about it like a baby, I'll write about how those depressing moments help me to think. It's time for my inner Socrates to come out and make its comeback wohooo.
Okay to start, let me list down things that I am proud of myself for the semester: 1) Jogjakarta Trip 2)... 3)... Well I guess thats it. The wisata to Jogjakarta was the only worth mentioning. There's a few here and there achievements but I dont think they're big events. Oh I donated blood twice this year! Okkkk cool. But other than that? No, ok no.
Honestly, my semester starts amazingly. But as it goes, everything went into the drain. Say it, friendships, studies, excitement, managements, me myself-- everything starts going wrong. It could had started because of me myself and the domino effect affect everything else, who knows? I had a few conflicts with my friends that cause me to be depressed for a long time, I had no motivation to be active in lectures and lab activities (well this is mainly because of the friendship conflicts too), my time and energy managements sucks that cause pains in the butt. Literally I. was. not. worth. my. time. at. all.
Everything happened at once and there's a point where I feel like hating myself so much. Everything was my fault. It was because of me that my friends misunderstand things, it was also because of me who is a scaredy cat to explain things, it was also because of me the conflicts get worse. Frankly speaking, I was the reason for everything. For a months or two, I was not myself and none of my friends are themselves. Not to mention, there's a few voices keep whispering how I should have be selfish and leave my friends. Well I don't blame them, they only saw the good side of me they didn't know I had a monster in me and my friends saw a glimpse of it, no one is to blame except me.
..
If I were to write everything, This is going to be a very depressing post. The thoughts are coming back to me-- each and every single things. Funny how even when things are settled now (I am not even sure, but at least I want to think that way haha), these thoughts still affect me. Tiny bits of me are shaken up wohooo stop I dont want the future me to read this and cringe all over muahhahahaha.
Well well, the lesson learned are that I must not give people false assumptions. I realized it was my mistakes in the first place. I have been very opened during my third semester that my friends (or a friend in particular) becomes, somehow too attached to me. And when my life is upside down, (honestly, I have this period of upside down every months or two, it's not even that serious I just need to be alone) I will shush people out of my area and rebuild the wall each time. So they are often taken aback by my actions and question why? They thought I was being all opened already when the truth is I never. So that's basically the problem. The root of all troubles. Me giving false hopes to people and never try to explain it (WAIT I KNOW IF ONLY I EXPLAIN IT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND APOLOGIZE THINGS WILL NEVER BE THAT BAD BUT PEOPLE I CANT SAY IT I DONT TALK ABOUT IT THE WALL IS THERE NOT FOR NOTHING I WAS FINE YOU CAN USE MY ALL THE TIME ALL YOU WANT BUT PLEASE WHEN I WANT TO BE ALONE LEAVE ME OUT STOP READING ME LIKE AN OPEN BOOK WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE TO READ ME LIKE AN OPEN BOOK WHEN MY OWN PEOPLE DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO?)
..
Sorry I was a bit overwhelmed with feelings. Honestly saying, I realized everything (at least 89.9%) is my faults but I was a bit disappointed that people do not understand what my-upside-down-self really wants. Solitude. Just a mere alone moments. You should have just leave me alone with myself and come back to me in a few days. Do not try to question me because in that state, my tolerance is very low. I barely recognize friends and foe. That's what it takes to have me as a friend. Or an acquaintance. Do not try to read me. The wall wasn't there for nothing.
So after realizing my mistakes and learn from it. I changed myself. I tried not to get too close to people. Again, I'm back to zero. I'm back to me in the start where I don't let people to simply enter my life but at least this time around, I still have friends. It should be better this way aight? At least, I won't confuse people with my swinging uncontrollable moods. Haha I sounds like an emo girl I'M FREAKING 21 YEARS OLD lulz.
And with that attitude, I ended my fourth semester. Together with the helps of those friends that stay in lane. We survived our second year together. Eventhough they are not reading this, let me just express my gratitude and apologetic hearts to them.
For the friends who had offered their hands for me, those who I can share stories to. Those who stays to finish assignments, reports, projects together. Those who understand how hard it is during final exam and play just to ease the tensions of each other without compromise. Those who stand my every jokes, puns, actions, mistakes and words. Thank you. Thank you for staying even when you saw a glimpse of the monster inside me. And thank you for not questioning (:
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