People to people

Now, listen.

I think I am someone who possesses a good range of patience. Like I can be patient but I also can not. Being me, I can really try hard to be patient even when I am not so people won’t see through me but then again, I also can explode. When I say so, please rationally argue why is it not right or at least why you think it’s not don’t just boldly says I’m wrong because I am not proven wrong until it is rationally and scientifically justified.

Secondly, I may not have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) but I cannot stand seeing thing not in correct order. But that doesn’t mean I have to be perfectly in order all the time. I’m an INFJ, I seek for imperfection! Judge me for being messy at times but also judge me when I am obviously being structured with my stuffs.

Thirdly, there are two kind of noise around me. The noise everyone could hear and another is the noise inside of me. I am not talking about the one inside but the one outside. The physical one. My surrounding is usually noisy; I am the noise sometimes. But there are certain noises that could seriously annoy me. Like I can’t do anything as long as it’s there like it’s physically diffusing into my head and echoing in a very rude manner and I can’t do anything and it’s actually like right now. Something. Is. Playing. Something. Very Annoying. Now. Pls. STop.

K it stop. Nice.

Next is about a behaviour I cannot change. Whenever I am mad or just not in mood out of nowhere, (Yes I always get out of mood just because of nothing! Now it’s not here-now it is!!) I don’t talk. I just couldn’t tal- no I just don’t feel like talking at all. If the case is not too serious, I can at least force a smile and talk to people not acquaintance with my problem. However if the level of Mad-Eye-Moody is over the limit, I would really prefer to be alone. Like. I. Have. To. Be. Alone or I’ll slice you into pieces. No really, I can be slightly irrational when I’m like erm emo? I also tend to do things alone even if it was actually a group work. I would silently work on it alone or go somewhere I need to alone (I am quite a clinger so this is a big deal).

See, I am normal.

I have problems like others too why can’t people treat me just like another mere people?
Sometimes, can’t people come and howdy me like people would do to people?

“In every single person, there are two kinds of wolves. One is the hate, lust, discriminative, regret and another is love, hope, passion, fairness,. These wolves are always fighting-there’s always a fight happening inside of you. However each time, only one wolf will win. Which is it? It is the one you feed.”

hurm

Just a brief rant.

I saw a draft in my spider-webbed blogpost. I feel like posting it, it's undone but I just want to post it here. Idk it's just yeah.

So here it is;

Well, I think I am different. I feel 26378929x different from the me. It’s not just that I think I am ignorant but it’s a whole new level of idk how to express this... heck-kind-of-attitude?  I stop giving a thing to everything and everyone. Including me myself. Unlike before, I don’t even care about what happened, what’s happening and what’ll happen to myself. I do not feel superior nor am I being protective over myself anymore. I feel like I AM LESS THAN ANYBODY. Less than my siblings, less than my close-relatives, less than my friends, less than my peers, less than anyone I met even briefly on the street to FSG. I feel like I am a shame to myself thus the un-protectiveness. I do, somehow feel bad about it though. I feel bad for the me who is abandoned - who all this while, only have myself over my back. I feel bad for the me who knows nothing and suddenly be shut off by myself. The innocent, pure little girl inside me. I also feel bad for the me who used to be happy protecting myself, picking myself up when things are hard to manage that turned cold-hearted toward the other me(s). It exasperates me, it bothers me, it hurts me. But nothing I can do about that.The fact that I am realizing this situation is also a coincidence. I don’t even realize that the me(s) are suffering – because of me myself.

What really happened?

I can’t recall a specific reason for that. Is it because of the no-time-for-self because I am busy with my study or because my time is occupied with empty laughs? I admit laughing and joking around a lot more this semester. Because I have my ‘gu’. And we have nonstop topic to talk about. I then became a bit too comfortable with the situation that I forget about everything else. The thing about being happy with friends isn’t the problem. I am the problematic one. I rarely have the moment of solitude as the only thing I cared about every morning is about going to class with my ‘gu’. The togetherness makes me forget that I need a moment for myself – to sit back, relax and think. TO organize everything in its place. Yes I look okay always tagging along with friends, I don’t look as much lonely as I was in semester one but I often have this suffocating, not getting enough oxygen. Laughing is the best medicine but who says you could consume medicine as your daily meal? We cannot have too much of a good thing. 

When we’re being hurt by anyone important in our life, we tend to slow our pace down below their level and have a deep talk with ourselves. That way we can fix what’s wrong with us, mend our hearts and become stronger by not depending too much on others. But again when we’re being too comfortable being around others, we would feel insecure when they’re not by our side. Service not available, said our heart. In my case, even when that happen I just have to make up another scene in my head “ahh that is normal. In every group of people, sometimes some people are hurt unintentionally – well let’s not be sad and enjoy yourself hahahhahhahahhahahhaahhahhaha”. Pathetic. I no longer have any sympathy on myself, don’t even bother to tarbiyah my soul by being extra optimistic. Yess being positive is a good thing but when you’re seeing the glass half full even when it’s empty – that’s a serious problem!

I said that it’s going to be a quick rant but I probably already say it better than what I think I am feeling. I’m not even sure whether I am not awakened or I am being immuned. But whatever it is, you better think of the other you(s) kimah. And if you really don’t know where you’ve got off the track, you better start seeking the 17 y/old you. She suffered a lot at her age and she probably know you better than you do now. Seek the wise in you, care for the young in you and leave the best for the future you.

Honestly I feel good saying this. Through words. Because in fact I don’t even know what I am actually feeling unless I start to write it down. Words just keep on flowing – fingers automatically pressed down the keyboard. And again I feel really bad for that part of myself. If and only if I haven’t had any intention on doing this, to whom must she say this? When I am turning my back from me, then who am I going to lean on?

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I used to think that I'm the best..

Back then, I used to think that I am the best (read: naega jeil jalaga) as in the best of the best but still, I'm not the overly narcissistic kind of. I acknowledge my flaws and imperfections but it's just something that I deeply put in myself; I AM THE BEST.

Yes I'd never had high confidence level when I'm in public but I've always seen me as the best. I'm good in everything! I'M A KID PRODIGY lulz well that's how I saw myself (or at least what I think of myself all the time. Alone.) because well hey positive thinking leads to positive outcome! I was a bright kid no this is for real. Basically I could do things most kids in my age had never heard about. For example, I've used helps from Google since I was in standard 6 despite the fact that I am actually a Kelantanese (read: I was indeed a village kid well you know what Im saying) while the best my friends could do is playing Paint on the computer. Obviously, most of my awesomeness are since I have so many brothers and sisters (well again, this is why I couldn't really brag about my awesomeness I'm INFJ guys this is a another separate story) but really, I'm so good during my 12-17 years old that I'm ashamed as a 20 years old now.

Why am I ashamed? Well I'm 20 now. Legit 20. And now that I'm writing this down, I still cannot brain how am I twenty? I used to think that 20 years old is somehow very far to achieve as a teenager. As it must be a fully grown age, totally different from the un-matured me. Hurm, well I was not completely right. It's true that somehow because of the age difference and the experiences faced in life difference, we could say that the current me is matured but how exactly is the word 'maturation' defined? 

Nowadays, I kept thinking of my past selves. The un-matured but more concious selves. I used to think about everything now it seems like I thinking about nothing and the worst part is, I am not even trying! I am entirely a paradox. My current self is a walking paradox. I'm losing all those awesomeness and I couldn't even dream about being the best me, ever again.

I'm twenty yet what do I achieve? I barely achieve dekan in my first semester and suffocated to finish second semester and still cannot predict how my semester two cgpa would be. I suffocated. Barely able to breath and that was just my FIRST YEAR OF DEGREE. I failed my MARA and JPA scholarships application (MARA: post SPM and JPA: first and second sem in degree). Yes I have no rezeki but to me, it's more than that; I'm lacking the requirements that's why. And I didn't learn from past experience. Shame on my face.

I'm twenty and I'm not even good in my hobbies. Remember the past me -- the die hard fangirl me? She's all immature but well she's got the skills. If I was still the same girl I'd probably bring me higher well she got the jams; she's the best introvert-extravert personality of mine. The persistence and perseverance she put in everything she did were just amazing. Now I don't even have the heart to finish what is undone. *sigh I need to have a continuous hobby like editing videos, photoshopping, website designing, stalking etc.

 Idk what to say anymore, I'm already out of feels ahahhaha; I'll leave you with urm my new favourite -- the psycophatic trio lee hyeon min and lee joon young #psycopathsFTW #lulz

9 Confessions of an INFJ about Conflict

1. I take conflict personally. I tend to blame myself, even if it’s not completely my fault. I’m not like Thinking types (especially the ENTJ or ESTJ), who can detach themselves from the conflict and debate simply as a mental exercise.
2. I’m a gentle soul, and “fighting” has a different definition for me. It isn’t just yelling. It can be as little as the other person raising his or her voice and snapping at me, criticizing me, or disagreeing with me.
3. If you actually yell at me or insult me, I will be wounded for a long time. This is why, as a kid, I rarely misbehaved. I was always that good child, the good student. I couldn’t bear to have an adult scold me. When the teacher yelled at other kids in my class, I felt the tension so real within me, it could have been happening to me.
4. With that said, there’s a side of me you’ll hopefully never see. Don’t underestimate my gentle nature. I’m not all warm fuzzies and smiles. If you cross one of my deeply held inner values, I become extremely outspoken and crusading. If I see someone else being hurt, I’ll have a strong urge to be their protector and defend them. An angry INFJ can deliver a wrath and intensity you’ve probably never experienced before. 
5. I tend to internalize conflict (just like I do with all of my emotions). I feel conflict and stress physically in my body, until it’s resolved.
6. I’ll think about everything that was said during the fight a thousand times. I’ll replay your words and mine and feel the emotions again and again each time. This is my introverted intuition and introverted thinking functions at work, trying to analyze and assign meaning to what happened. My mind will be so busy, I may have a hard time sleeping.
7. It takes a long time for me to calm down. If you’ve aroused my anger, it will simmer for a while. If I’m sad, it will take me a while to become happy again. This is because, as an introvert, I process my emotions very deeply.
8. Sometimes I bottle up my feelings for too long. I’m afraid that if I say how I really feel, I might hurt you. That’s the last thing I want to do. Plus, I think in images, so sometimes I just don’t have the words to say how I’m feeling.
9. Conflict is overstimulating for my sensitive, introverted system. You may experience this as the “INFJ freeze.” I have heard you, but my mind is paralyzed and I have no idea what to say back. So I sit there, staring, in silence.       

Taken here. There's 10 confessions but I couldn't really relate to the tenth. This is so accurate I feel like I should post this everywhere so the people around me could read it ut again, no I won't. I can't.

How to find the me in me

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

So lately, I've been worrying.. Well actually for years not just lately but since situations make it worst these days, I'm feeling like writing about it.

How do I start this?

Well starting the end of last semester, whenever I want to exactly describe me in one word I would just say that I'm an INFJ. As far as I know, I'm an INFJ through and through. This MBTI personality type describe me better than I had been doing for the past 19 years. Ironically as it might sound, it is a meaningful thing for someone like me to know it is not just me. Ironically as it might seem, at least I know there's more people out there having the same personality traits as me. It's like an ADHD person who don't freaking know what on Earth makes them different from others at school and later realized it's because they are special. Or any DID person who didn't know about the presence of another man in his own body but later becoming one with it. IDK if my analogies make sense that's how I feel. Bdw, I LOVE YOU FELLOW INFJs! I've said this once and other INFJ heard me and thanked me too for my existence which is a beautiful thing well this is becoming random.

Enough of the INFJ talks. The thing is if I have a slightest thing I couldn't agree with the personality type is that an INFJ present themselves amazingly. They are known for being a good speaker and would influenced people through words (eg: Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi) which is the exact opposite of me. Because for me, communicating with Earthlings is one of the most difficult things to do! No I'm not recluse or anti-social or extremely introvert type. I could say hi to a stranger I met in public. Its just that I only have several kind of people in my life:

1.  The one I love and look up to and have to compete up to their level because I want their recognition even though they are not really expecting me to but I'm forever not going to be on their level but still, I love them but still am going to be acknowledged by them one day so I need to make sure they only see the flawless me.
2. The peer type, those I didn't care showing what I'm all about because I don't need to give reasons to my acts. Might consists of those from #1 which sometimes I believe I could spill part of my heart to these people but not entirely. Just in case.
3. The I look up to and hope they notice me type. It's a bit like #1 but this group is mostly those I meet in the phase of growing up and I don't really have affection as I am to group #1 for this group. Eg: those I found perfect (mostly those in persatuan) and I want them to notice my abilities but forever couldn't because I can't show it to them ugh frustating
4. The others. Those yeah I know your name you know my name I can be normal friends to you but please don't approach me or try to make conversation while I'm not with any of #1 or #2 because I cannot communicate with you without being awkward.
5. Everyone else. The 'I can say hi to stranger I meet in public space' reference.

So exactly how do one present themselves well? How do people say what's on their mind? How do people not get nervous at the thought of being judged? How do they not having shivers on the spine while being the centre of attention? How do one overcome the gush of adrenaline? How do people glue their words together so they don't stutter? How do people manage not be having blackout then lose every single points about what they're about to say?

I don't know.

I might not know.

Rabbisyrahli sadri wayassirli 'amri wahlul 'ukdatan min lisani yafqahu qauli.

O my Rabb, make peace of my heart make ease of my daily affairs release the knots of my tongue so they can understand my words. Amin ya Rabbal 'laminn.

I want to write

It's been almost the start of my fourth week here in UITM Shah Alam for Semester 2 and I have many things to rants out but I havent had the time to actually do that. No I'm not busy just not yet caught the right moment. Phewww I really want to though (: