Another 3rd September

BGM: IU - Twenty-three

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Hey hi hello it's the day I become twenty-three years old. And thats that. Hihi.

I was freaking out a little bit a few days ago because I thought birthday need to be special and what should I prepare for this day. And realizing that I wont be doing anything special- I kind of get depressed a little bit I thought Im not giving myself a special treatment asdfghj

But as today comes in, I realized it doesnt have to be any big event for this day to be special. It will be special if I think of it that way. Honestly I keep trying to avoid or skip today so I dont have to go through it. I know thats weird but whenever my birthday comes by each year, I tend to be a little depressed, seriously.

That is because I tend to think that since a year has passed since my last birthday what have I achieved in the meantime? I'll start to list down things that I do and blame myself if it doesnt exceed my expectation of myself. Honestly that will repeat next year and without realizing I didnt appreciate the me whom actually having the birthday. I was too focused on the last year self and that is not okay, really.

I was about to commit the same mistake this year until a friend from matriculation send me a birthday wishes last night. It seemed like she was generously waiting for 12AM so she could wish me birthday exactly when my birthday start! It might looked typical but I realized something from there; the fact that theres someone who tries her best just to do the most obvious thing but still that really warms my heart and I cannot stop appreciating what she did. It was as simple as a birthday wishes and a edited aesthetic collage of myself in which I assumed she screenshot from my Instagram account but still that really really warms my heart. ANd I actually feels bad for thinking that it would be typical to wish me birthday at 12AM. Sigh.

Again, it also made me think that I dont need any event celebration just because its my birthday. I can just go to work, watch Namjoon's vlive from last night (in which I consider as a pep talk to start the day! haha) and kind of procrastinate my labworks today- that already makes me feel special! Also I made a journal spread dedicated for myself last night just like how I made one for Jungkook during his birthday! All of these actions already make my day a little different from other days so I guess- thats special! :)

So to my twenty-three self; this is the age where you might feel very confused about yourself. This self is the midperson between your student and adult life (in fact, you're in a situation where you dont even know whether to call yourself a student or a research assistant in real life). But again, this is your youth. After all, youre the only one having the utmost responsibility towards your life. You will face hardships, but it will be alright.

You've passed the SAVE ME phase, it's the IM FINE phase now.

By that I really mean that you're starting the adult life now but since its something that you will keep becoming rather than a transformation as a whole, it's fine its alright you have you; us-in-you. We'll get through this together until the end :)

I really hope I can write more since Im really into it right now I really want to write how 'Im Fine' by BTS really suits this situation right now I also want to talk more about my Twenty-Three in details but I'll just stop here. All of this thoughts right now really warms my heart Im about to melt down in uwu :3

I'm alive

So hey after two birthdays passed, I'm here!

I'm sorry I am super sorry to overzealous for abandoning it for about 15 months now. I am super sorry towards my existence as a whole because not that I stop writing or losing the need to write but since I dont have time to focus on writing lengthy things I just opt to other ways for example now I have a Whatsapp grop in which I am the only member so I can write anything I want there, for my own attention. And I also have second Instagram account in which I could express the unexpressed and a Twitter account, which Ive been using as an escape since 2008. And to be honest, I do wrote lengthy things sometimes as .doc files such as my undergraduate semester reviews haha (^^") So I still write- I still need to write; I never in fact lose the need to express myself in words. I just found more easier and convenient ways. I was never abandoning this blogspot, really.

I dont really know how to do a post connected to the previous one from 2016 though. Do I relate or do I ignore>>> IDK Im not sure lets just not say anything.

And the fact that Im here doesnt mean that Im going to be active. I'm not going to give a false promise to myself this time. I'm not even sure when my next visit in this blogspot will be . I might not post anything after this post haha. But knew that, it had been important for the young teenager me. That this is the only media to write for her in the past. Had she not wrote here sometimes, what would had happen by now? Lmou.

And since the current me may had changed a lot from the last me I described myself here; lets just say that this is the 2017-2018 bionikiim. Even if I read this in the future, I want this current me to be remembered as 2017-2018 bionikiim, the twenty-years old to-be self. And ohh- if I could say this, let me do a shoutout to my second Instagram account @asdfghjklbionikiim. She's the one Im holding hard into. Like scroll into her, you might be see the me-in-me. Lolololololol. Haha kbye. Thats all.

Till next time in which noone knows when, wasalam :)

I'm twenty-one

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

So now I'm twenty-one. 21st times since 3rd September 1995.

I'm breathing for 21 years already.

I have many things to say but I'll save it for a bigger post.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

#journeytoadultlife

a concern i stumbled upon while planning a 'myself' event

Is it just me or every single twenty-years-old has no fight spirit in them? like- literal fighting spirit that infires all the time rather than the one that is ambiguous between life and dead.

Basically what I'm doing is- I was trying to read some inspirational+insfiring materials for a real blog post before my 21st birthday. I was thinking about gifting myself a good heed sections in my blog dedicated for twenty-one years old me. this year, I'm trying to play it cool as I am past over my hwa-yan-yeon-hwa (read: the most beautiful moment in life aka youth) excitement so yeah, I am openly thinking about my birthday from a third person view. I am not going to be corcerned about what other people think of it but my view (as the third person) matters #myviewmatter

It might sounds confusing but roughly, I am going to treat myself better than anyone else this birthday. So rather than just having the past-kimah, present-kimah and future-kimah involved, I will let the main me which is myself (the biggest portion of me aka real kimah) to control the event and lead the whole plan. I just want to make 21 years old kimah to feel appreciated just as 17 years old (peak age) kimah. I want her to know that even though she's lacking, I will still protect her.

Enough for the event spoiler. I dont want to be spoiled by myself for this big event. Haha. Thus frankly speaking while looking for the materials for the event, I was searching for articles about how sometimes human can feel much smaller than their younger self. For example, why do we change from being all mighty about our self then after we grew and things don't go the way we ought it would be, then only disappointments and regrets are left. Generally, I was looking for articles and inspiration along that mindset but honetsyly I was a bit taken aback because I can't find the exact materials. Nothing along the planned concept. And you know what's worse? The search results take me to articles listing the things I want to tell my younger self so they'll learn EXCUSE ME WHAT? What I am looking for is THAT list but written from my younger self address to my present and future self not the way around!

Which makes me think- am I the only adult living in regrets from the past? Is everyone else succeed and happy with the present self? Tbh, I am not that disappointed and regretting my present life I am on a mission to tell my present and future life that we're doing goooooooood and that even if whatever happen- as long as you believe in you (or more like I believe in me) then I GOT YOUR BACK! That's the concept for my birthday event. That's that.

..

What exactly is my purpose on writing this? I thought I was going to rant about how none of the search result meet my expectation but it doesn't sounds so. This post is more like urm spoilers to my birthday event? Haha yeah maybe. But whatever it is, things had been said (or accurately written down) so Imma post this up though ;)

And I am really hoping that I can give me an amazing birthday event ever. Since I have no good camera, no laptop (my charger cord snapped T____T) I'm not sure but I hope it will be a good memory from twenty-years old me <3

Ads

Because I couldn't stand how my rant post is on top of page thus the born of this post. HHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Well really though, I was so emo in the last post. I resist myself but still it's overflowing ahhahahahhahaahaha I hate me ahhahhahahahhahahahhaha.

So let me rant about my new obsession. Well if I were to say it in a better word, then it's love, not an obsession. Brohohooo.

Oemji how obvious is this? Haha.

Disclaimer: Ok so I am not going to rant as a fangirl but as a mature fangirl. So don't expect this to be a cringy-worth post. Even if it doesn, read this in a very mature and professional way.

First, I wasn't really into them. I basically stopped liking new groups as I enter degree life. Technically it wasn't really stopped. I realized that it was just a hiatus lol in another words, the well-behaved sasaeng in me made a comeback!

Loving rap, I passionately love Rapmonster's masterpieces. Then I discover Suga's talents geezzzz my mind blew. Then Busan namja Park Jimin creeps on me, rudely and cutely at the same time. I wasn't that fond of Jeon Jungkook and Kim Taehyung before. They're like typical idols but then I discovered they are not. They. are. not. ANd Jung Hoseok, he's such a sunshine I no longer live in darkness. Seokjin? He's like, if I could word him, he's VERY-OMMA-LIKE.

There you goes. A summary of them all. It sounds typical right? As if I havent feel this way before with my previous oppars lulz. But no, they're different. If I am to compare BTS with EXO (which is my previous obsession before I went into hiatus), they're strangely different. Maybe the age? I could relate a lot more. And the fact that they must have suffered more, no yes? If you're a fan then you must know this. Both groups are amazing but really, I considered EXO as the chaebol main lead in dramas while BTS, well those main leads who have no money with them and come to Seoul from the rural areas lol

No hate because I probably was more fanatic during EXO era than BTS era but I can feel this era deeper lolz. The fact that I have two members the same age as mine and a dongsaeng. Freaking dongsaeng I do not just accept anyone as my dongsaeng except for Zelo now how is Jeon Jungkook two years younger than me? ORZ he legitly does not look like one and that's the problem. How is a 15 years old have so many talents? And how does he cope with being a trainee at a very young age while having a battle with himself? How well did his mental coping up with stress and being away from hometown, following words of unknown adults? That scares me and the more I was scared by the thoughts, the more I feel like protecting fetus Kookie but it was all in the past. I was late. He coped well and that is why hats off to him. The same goes to 95-liners Park Jimin and Kim Taehyung. How amazing it is to putting aside your rebellions just to satisfy the audience. THAT CREEPS ME OUT ;~; /clap clap/

..

I sounded a bit too deep into my emotional though haha where's the mature and professional comments? I sounds just like any over-protective fans lol Anyway, if you're having a bad day, I suggest any BTS songs muahhaha no matter the most hype up songs or sad-that-I-want-to-hide-in-the-Earth-core songs would lift you up especially the rap parts. They spit nothing but the truth. SOmetimes it hurts more because points are well taken so beware lol.

To me, nothing speaks more honesty than 480p colour coded videos of BTS on Youtube.

I'm almost three years old

Hola cómo estás hermosas personas! ♥

So first, I am here again after 3 months eh?  After contemplating and reflecting a lot, I am finally here. Phew. What should I start with first though? 

Ok so, my semester 4 ends (well not completely as my final examination result is not. yet. announced.) which means my second year of degree is also completed. I AM A THIRD YEAR DEGREE STUDENT NEXT SEMESTER! Weheee, my heart is flattering. 

And as usual, I am here every semester break to sum up the whole semester. That's the reason why I gather up all energy and starts using my finger muscles to write this. Yes people I dont use much of my fingers except for scrolling my newsfeeds. Hoho.

So how would I describe my fourth semester? Depressing. Yeah it's depressing how I use the word to describe my whole semester right? I am not as affected now but I remember how depressing it was. Certainly, fourth semester won't be playing nice with you. Wait, this reminds me of BTS's Second Grade. Let me go find the lyrics and paste it here while I'm on it.

I’m already in my second year (oh no)
At the blink of an eye, time is so fast (go go)
Work hard play hard right
A year passed like a miracle bye
But what to do? I’m getting worried
I might be a bit more comfortable but there’s still so much to learn
Every time I get a break, the teacher keeps nagging
“You need to take the test!”
What do you mean test
Teacher, we are human too
Just nod along, nod
Let’s push everything back today and go tease the juniors
I’ll go to the PC cafe today, I can’t sleep

Yeah second year do that to everyone I guess. Well seeing that my whole semester doesn't feel as depressing now haha #positivitypower Ok so now instead of complaining about it like a baby, I'll write about how those depressing moments help me to think.  It's time for my inner Socrates to come out and make its comeback wohooo.

Okay to start, let me list down things that I am proud of myself for the semester: 1) Jogjakarta Trip 2)... 3)... Well I guess thats it. The wisata to Jogjakarta was the only worth mentioning. There's a few here and there achievements but I dont think they're big events. Oh I donated blood twice this year! Okkkk cool. But other than that? No, ok no.

Honestly, my semester starts amazingly. But as it goes, everything went into the drain. Say it, friendships, studies, excitement, managements, me myself-- everything starts going wrong. It could had started because of me myself and the domino effect affect everything else, who knows? I had a few conflicts with my friends that cause me to be depressed for a long time, I had no motivation to be active in lectures and lab activities (well this is mainly because of the friendship conflicts too), my time and energy managements sucks that cause pains in the butt. Literally I. was. not. worth. my. time. at. all.

Everything happened at once and there's a point where I feel like hating myself so much. Everything was my fault. It was because of me that my friends misunderstand things, it was also because of me who is a scaredy cat to explain things, it was also because of me the conflicts get worse. Frankly speaking, I was the reason for everything. For a months or two, I was not myself and none of my friends are themselves. Not to mention, there's a few voices keep whispering how I should have be selfish and leave my friends. Well I don't blame them, they only saw the good side of me they didn't know I had a monster in me and my friends saw a glimpse of it, no one is to blame except me. 

..

If I were to write everything, This is going to be a very depressing post. The thoughts are coming back to me-- each and every single things. Funny how even when things are settled now (I am not even sure, but at least I want to think that way haha), these thoughts still affect me. Tiny bits of me are shaken up wohooo stop I dont want the future me to read this and cringe all over muahhahahaha.

Well well, the lesson learned are that I must not give people false assumptions. I realized it was my mistakes in the first place. I have been very opened during my third semester that my friends (or a friend in particular) becomes, somehow too attached to me. And when my life is upside down, (honestly, I have this period of upside down every months or two, it's not even that serious I just need to be alone) I will shush people out of my area and rebuild the wall each time. So they are often taken aback by my actions and question why? They thought I was being all opened already when the truth is I never. So that's basically the problem. The root of all troubles. Me giving false hopes to people and never try to explain it (WAIT I KNOW IF ONLY I EXPLAIN IT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND APOLOGIZE THINGS WILL NEVER BE THAT BAD BUT PEOPLE I CANT SAY IT I DONT TALK ABOUT IT THE WALL IS THERE NOT FOR NOTHING I WAS FINE YOU CAN USE MY ALL THE TIME ALL YOU WANT BUT PLEASE WHEN I WANT TO BE ALONE LEAVE ME OUT STOP READING ME LIKE AN OPEN BOOK WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE TO READ ME LIKE AN OPEN BOOK WHEN MY OWN PEOPLE DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO?) 

..

Sorry I was a bit overwhelmed with feelings. Honestly saying, I realized everything (at least 89.9%) is my faults but I was a bit disappointed that people do not understand what my-upside-down-self really wants. Solitude. Just a mere alone moments. You should have just leave me alone with myself and come back to me in a few days. Do not try to question me because in that state, my tolerance is very low. I barely recognize friends and foe. That's what it takes to have me as a friend. Or an acquaintance. Do not try to read me. The wall wasn't there for nothing.

So after realizing my mistakes and learn from it. I changed myself. I tried not to get too close to people. Again, I'm back to zero. I'm back to me in the start where I don't let people to simply enter my life but at least this time around, I still have friends. It should be better this way aight? At least, I won't confuse people with my swinging uncontrollable moods. Haha I sounds like an emo girl I'M FREAKING 21 YEARS OLD lulz.

And with that attitude, I ended my fourth semester. Together with the helps of those friends that stay in lane. We survived our second year together. Eventhough they are not reading this, let me just express my gratitude and apologetic hearts to them.

For the friends who had offered their hands for me, those who I can share stories to. Those who stays to finish assignments, reports, projects together. Those who understand how hard it is during final exam and play just to ease the tensions of each other without compromise. Those who stand my every jokes, puns, actions, mistakes and words. Thank you. Thank you for staying even when you saw a glimpse of the monster inside me. And thank you for not questioning (:

I'm getting frustated at me

I'm getting frustated at myself too much these days. And by these days I mean since fourth semester started. My friends probably sense it already I- I don't know I'm terribly feeling sorry that they have to cope with me acting as if I'm going through secondary puberty in my life idk guys I'm sorry I acted weird like I can't even control myself what do I do.

Instead of saying that I'm in my so-called secondary puberty, I feel like I am actually undergoing my so-called mid-life crisis but I'm only in my TWENTY!! Technically, 21 so what do I mean with mid-life crisis??! Well that's exactly my problem I dont even know what I am undergoing I AM IN CONSTANT TROUBLE zZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

I got irritated super easily. I annoys everyone and everyone annoys me. I dont even have a goal these days. Nothing motivated me. All I want to do is to keep calm but I can't even pass a day without freaking out of everything. I put a IDGAF expression all the time but still I can't even help worrying. I am fragile and fragile is me.

I am super confused. All those motivational quotes doesn't seems like they work on me anymore.

I'm rebelling.
But I am not even sure towards whom.
Basically I'm rebelling towards myself.
But for what exact reason?

"I'm twenty-one is it possible to go through a teenager phase?" "Have you had the phase when you are teenager though?" "From what I can recall, I tried to, but I was too afraid to." "Well, maybe you finally gathered you courage to do so." "So you mean it is possible?" "I cannot confirm this with my lack of experience, but remember volcano will erupt because of density and pressure. The lower density of the magma relative to the surrounding rocks causes it to rise to the surface or to a depth that is determined by the density of the magma and the weight of the rocks above it. Even if it takes some more times than other volcanoes doesn't mean it won't erupt." "... Help me, counselor side of me."

:(