Update: Third Language Dilemma

Well, erm I found out that we can start registering for our third language course. I was yeah 89.79% determined I'll choose Spanish. Uh yeahhhh.

But then I realized there's no option for Spanish. Dengggg that was harsh haha.

So I'm sticking with Mandarin for now. I know I know, that wasn't even in my option list but what can I do; being rejected as soon as you've made your choice was harsh and I couldn't think straight. Well, might just took risks. Oh bdw, Mandarin yeah I wasn't really looking forward to because it's a bit difficult. BUT IT COULD BE BENEFICIAL AITE? Like who knows I might bump into Wu Yin Fan on the streets then wohoo can I communicate with him then BAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA just kidding that imagination is pretty lame. Besides Kris know English and Korean, that might be better alternatives hurm..

Well then, yeah that's it. Updatezzzz.

And ohh I drew the girl above haha pretty good for tangan kayu like me aite? Wu Yi Fan might cry because of this; I drew betterrrrRrrrrr

Signing off,

KimCasso <3

Third Language Dilemma

Semester II starts next week and I still couldn't choose between Spanish, Japanese, Germany or Arabic for my third language.

HALP ;~;

*insert funky intro music*

Okay here's the deal; my semester break is over and I'll be going back to UITM Shah Alam this Saturday. And next Monday will be my first class for new semester. And in part two, I am supposed to take a few compulsory subjects with some electives. One of the electives is Third Language. YES LONGLY AWAITED ANTICIPATED WE GON' GIVE IT ALL WE GOT IT OR LOSE IT cough cough sorry get caught in Round 1 /cough cough/ What I meant is, I've always wanted to learn a new language and the addition point is, FORMALLY! I'll be taught by a real, not virtual teacher in class! Well how exciting will it be? :DDDDD

Even though frankly speaking this is not my third language. Informally not really. Because my third language is Arabic (well obviously, duh gah I used to formally learned it in Maahad yes) and I learned Korean and little bit of Spanish informally. So I don't really know how many -th this new language will be okay enough crapping BAHAHAHHAHA I'm sorry those are not even formal learning and even my formal learning aren't excellent how dare you talk like a language expert Kimah /cough cough/

I'm in third paragraph and I haven't wrote my dilemma yes yes so this is it; I need to do my course registration but I still cannot decide what language will I choose for my third new language. These are the comparison between them:

Spanish:

Well heck yeah soy un dorito como estas muy bien ohohohoho por favorRrrr I've always love Spanish for this. I cant really describe 'this' but it's a really unique and powerful language to me. A random Youtuber turned me into a Spanish freak two years ago for random reason. And it's cool. Super cool.

Japanese:

Fyi, I've been wanting to learn Japanese way before I learned Korean. Remember, I'm all senpai's before I am oppa's. But all my attempts halted halfway through. Well, it's obviously not a language you can learn online without much determination I guess.

Germany:

This particular country kind of hit me somewhere in my arteries. I don't know much about it but I am very much intrigued by it. The only word I knew is danke but I still have space in my heart for this language. Strange. Strange indeed. But not to forget, its coooooool too.

Arabic:

Well /cough/ five years in Maahad, I sure learned but the best I could speak is basic Arabic I guess. With some phrases and dalil and mu'jam and qaulul hukama' I memorized for insya' (Arabic essay) in the past. I'm not lying when I said there are parts of me wanting to learn this back, polishing what I've got. But -- I'll leave the but later.

extra Korean:

I put this on the list for the fact that I am not a beginner for this language but neither a professional. I am an amateur but I won't choose this language I am uhm pretty sure maybe. I don't want to be called so called Korean fans whatsoever. I don't want people come up to me saying annyeong haseyong anneyong haseyong ANNYONG HASEYONG all the time. I'm sorry that's pretty intolerant of me but yeah I'm sorry.

If I can just follow my heart then I'll choose Spanish. It's unique it's cool it's my dream it's beneficial it's what most people in Europe can speak it's closer to France which is also cool it's well yeah perfect. That's what my heart tells me. My brain however couldn't agree very much. Most of my friends are taking Arabic, it's the easiest and simplest choice they didnt have to think much they just want to pass the course nicely and it's Arabic everyone should learn Arabic, it's the language of Jannah! Another thing is because I am alone in this path of choice, what if I couldn't handle it and well, technically ruining my result? I'm scared.

And..urm I also have this little guilt of me. "Why can't I just take Arabic and be happy?!" Well, I know my Arabic isn't really good and I should take it in order to polish it while being good in grades but I'm not certain I'll be 100% satisfied. Come on! I finally get a chance to formally learn a new language I want to use this opportunity to the fullest. Besides, someone used to say that the Arabic syllabus in UITM isn't like the one you learn at school. All the nahu soraf, I'm not sure but I dont think we are taught from hua huma hum to everything! Again I'm sorry but if we're just learning the Communication Arabic then I think no. I'd rather choose other language then.

I'm getting emotional somehow, how?

But still I cannot clearly say Spanish. I'm forever indecisive. Too coward for nothing (and I dare claiming I have a girl crush on Katniss Everdeen? like whoa I need to stop) Well I hope there's someone I know taking the same class. I'm just scared I would flown away to the moon, alone. And there's absolutely nothing official yet. I might just really take Arabic at the end. But whatever might happen, I pray it's the best for me.

"..and it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you; and Allah knows while you know not" [Al-Baqarah:216]

So yeah, lose up and giddy up girl. Let's not think until it's time :DDD

Perginya seorang murabbi

It was a Friday night. A calm and peaceful Friday night when the news of Tok Guru Nik Abdul Aziz leaves the dunya to met his Rabb reached us. We were prepared for this news, we knew he didn't have much time left but for a moment, no one speaks a word. Everybody seems blank and trying to gather our minds together. He's gone. He really is.

I couldn't talk much about him, I've not know him personally nor did him. Yes we're related by blood somehow but a far relative (after all, we both have Nik in our name). But to be honest, from the day I was born, my family respect him so much and he's so close to our hearts that when we were young we called him Ayoh Zik instead of Tok Guru. As I could recall, he came to our house many times whether it's for wedding, newborn ritual ceremonies (aqiqah) or just for visiting. So to us, he's not just our Menteri Besar, he is our ahli dewan undangan negeri (ADUN), a murabbi, an elder relative, someone I would put in the same level of my family. 

Every time he came to our house for aqiqah, I wished to have him doing the aqiqah ritual to my child. Then I realized the age gap is too long it might not worked out. Next time he came for my brother/sister's wedding, I wished he would be the man who shake my husband's hand for akad. Then seeing he's growing old I said to myslef, this might didn't work out too. Then each time it's time for General Election (GE), being someone who always butt in with the election process I am, I was determined to give my first official vote to him as our ADUN! And I couldn't wait for the moment. Yet Allah says otherwise. he will go and meet Him sooner than that. And I'm still not eligible to vote for upcoming PRK #Chempaka. And since semester 2 is around the corner, I might couldn't give as much manpower for Chempaka by-election. Allahhhh :'( The only thing I was able to do is doing the ritual prayer (solat jenazah) for him. With other millions of people. May Allah count this one for him amin ya rabbal 'alamin.

Back to when I was in primary school. Everytime we were asked about who we idolize, I couldn't help but to say Tok Guru Nik Abdul Aziz but my friends would stop me, my alter-ego would stop me. Because apparently, he is someone associated with PAS. And at that age, it is never a right thing to say something associated with PAS because you'll get marked by teachers and getting a student fund is almost impossible (well literally the money is from BN government said some 'educated' katak bawah tempurung) then. Well that is the logic that we all knew all. So I frequently said a random great people I've heard of (eg: Yusuf Qardhawi i'm not even sure I really knew him at that time though *smile*) but never anyone from Malaysian leaders! I guess I know the feeling feel-wronged from primary school then.

Well when I was in Maahad, that is absolutely far away from being a problem! You can even talk politics HAHHAHAH HA HA *clear throats* well yess with your friends. And having to meet TGNA a few times make me quite a lady among my friends :)

And last night, I was given the chance to reach TGNA's house. there's already thousands of people, wishing too see him for the last time. He was placed in a room but I didn't walk in. I couldnt drag my foot to enter the room. I don't feel deserved. He's in the heart of millions I don't feel deserved and I'm afraid I would burst into tears upon seeing him. His face would stay in my heart.

And the first thing I noticed when I walked into TGNA's house, three girls aged around 7-9 years old (TGNA's grandaughters) were reciting Yassin in a corner. Quietly. Afraid that they might be a nuisance to their parents I guess. That's when I realized; when Allah take a star from us, He grant us more of young and bright stars to lead the next ummah generation. He took back one, he gives thousands so make sure we are included in that thousands! Allahuakbar.

 

O Allah, You've granted us a very great man. Now Ya Rabbi grant him the best of jannah and give us strength to overcome the upcoming days. Amin ya rabbal álamin.

Allahumaghfirlahu warhamhu wa'afihi wa'fu anhu. O Allah! Forgive him, bestow mercy upon him, pardon him, accord him a noble provision and make his grave spacious. Amin ya Allah.

Never a BAE

Disclaimer: The only definition of BAE here is beyond anyone else and has no connection whatsoever with the hipster's trend word 'bae' which makes the long and real title for this post is 'never a beyond-anyone-else'. Disclaimer ends.

Ehemm ehem /clear throats/ so apparently today I'm going to rant out why I was and still ain't a bae; in my family. Yes the focus is my family. So first and foremost, let me properly introduce myself. Hi my name is Hakimah, I am 19 years old-- almost 20 and I am the last daughter of 16 siblings, having countless (more like I don't remember how many) aunts and uncles from both parents' side, infinity amount of cousins, with 7 in-laws (and counting) and 27 nieces+nephews (and counting). Alhamdulillah for this gigantic (big and large is overrated) family <3 Unfortunately, I'm more to a loser when I'm with them. I'll get to this part a bit later.

Secondly, my most and ultimate dream as a child (still valid though) is to be beyond anyone and everyone else in everything. I want to be 엄마의 친구 딸 (read: eomma chingu ddal) which is a Korean slang which literally means 'mom's friend daughter'. I bet I didn't have to elaborate on this, it's a self-explanatory /cough/ /cough/ So along my growing age, I just want to be good in everything; school, playing, exploring, everything. However, I was also an overzealous introvert so those burning passion stays inside me without people realizing it. It doesn't really matter as what I want (at that time) isn't the skills of studying or playing but the attention and recognition from other. Yeah lulz at me being an attention seeker despite that young age ho ho hoo  ㅠㅠ

Frankly speaking (self-boast alert!), I am quite an advanced girl of my age. Because of the age gap between me and my siblings, I have quite a lonely growing phase and internet is my best friend. Thus I discover many things that most of my friends never heard about. I also frequently got good grades in school and my English for a village teenage girl from Kelantan is quite good. My general knowledge is also larger than most friends of course thanks to the power of Internet! and my siblings. This is one of the benefits of having many brothers and sisters I get to learn many things indirectly every day. Imagine having nine brothers with different careers and then there's five sisters with different passion, well don't forget six in-laws with different backgrounds and experiences. Well, it is awesome.

The oh-so-not-awesome part of this is because they're so awesome I am un-awesome. At all. Which is why I am never a bae in my family. No matter how I try, I could never surpass them. I could never get their recognition (actually, the whole getting recognition from them is made by me for myself. nobody knew about this so it's my decision whether I had surpass them or not) and I could never be a bae.

Years after years from UPSR to PMRU to PMR to SMU to SPM to matriculation and now I'm doing my degree, all these years and I still think they're way awesom-er than me. No matter how many A's and CGPA I earned, I couldn't even be on the same line with them not even surpassing them. No. Not even close. That is why, when friends of my age be like "Wow how do you learn to do this?" "Oh you're so talented" "Wait what is the thing you're talking about" "Hey where did you learn that?"kind of thing, I could never take those compliments as they're not even mine. No me gusta.

You might think I'm exaggerating, but remember my only goal as a kid is to get recognition from my family members so it is very important for me to get their attention but I lack in everything even though it seems like I'm good in many things so it is hard. Very much.

Even though sometimes I possess special characteristics of my own, knowing much more than any of them or become the person someone ask something, I would still feel unreliable enough because I do not have much experiences as they do. They live longer than I am, they face a lot more than I am.

I'm not writing this so someone or even my family members realized and start to show me attention and give me recognition no! I'm writing this because I'm not a girl of words and I dont express my feels openly so my family members probably don't know that I am very grateful and blessed to have them. Even though it's hard to accept the loser part of me but at least, I take that as a flaw of mine. But to think twice, none of my family members actually read my blog. Our blogging phase ended years ago and I changed my link ( I checked earlier, they still have my old blog link so yeah nobody read this I'm 89% sure) thus the actual reason for me to write this is just to write out my heart. I just feel like writing. Hhahahaha.

I also feel a bit sorry because of my obsessive competitive heart; I often act like miss-know-all. Yeah it's annoying but sometimes I couldn't help but to act that way. I need to fix that up, pray for me.

One thing for sure, even if one day any family member is to find this entry and read my heart which I rarely expose; I'm positive it will be years later. So no worry, I won't feel that much ashamed then :P

Alhamdulillah tsummalhamdulillah for this family. 영원한 사랑.

She who will never be a bae,

@bionikiim'15

Reading and heeding

So apparently (I use this word a lot these day, from whom did I get influenced by?) whenever I come back home, whether it's for semester or mid semester break I decided to be lazy and don't think. bebajet simple mind, simple life la kononnya. That's why whenever I'm home, I look like a lazy bum doing the same repetitive things each day until my break is over. Literally doing nothing beneficial. Hohoho.

But now I have too much times to kill. Wait why we use the word 'kill' to express 'spend'? Can't we use 'shoot' or 'stab' or 'punch' or anything that relates to 'kill' then? And by the way who started to use 'spend' with 'time' though? We 'spend' money but why we 'spend' time? Ok that's just random blame ADHD which I am not even diagnosed with, that disorder only come to me whenever I need something to blame for my attention-deflected. 

Back to story.

Cause I have so much times to flush (Get it? I'm just trying to rephrase here hoho) I then forced into books. Which means I have to think because reading makes my neurotransmitters speed across neurons to interprets, feels, memorize, feels, understand, feels and more feels towards the contents. No more simple mind simple life then. Well that's it kimah, think. Obviously it's not like you've really into studying too much for the whole semester that you deserve to not think for the whole break. Cough. Cough again.

So now I'm currently rereading whatever books I feel like to. Remember how I'm not a crazy lunatic books lover? I mean I'm not really fond of books they're fine they did no wrong but I just don't read. Haahhahahahaa. Ergo for the tenth times, only Hlovate's collection (and Hilal Ashraf!) passed the test to my to-be-read list. Yes I really mean their old masterpieces hohoho. And for some new air, I came across Diha's book by Randa Abdel Fatteh. The cover intrigue me (yeah I am the type that judge book by its cover blehh judge me) AND REALLY THAT BOOK IS AWESOME hohoho I like it \(^O^)/

And another into list is Catatan Mat Lutfi. It's the latest in list I was walking across my ayah's working place in the house and I saw the book. If later ayah look for it, don't tell him about this ahhahahahah :D

 

 Well that's basically it. It feels good to write like 15 years old me. Wait is that the age when I actually wrote the most? Idk and i am too lazy to go and check the archive well lets just think it really is. I guess I will write more during the break I hope so. It really feels good.