Another 3rd September

BGM: IU - Twenty-three

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Hey hi hello it's the day I become twenty-three years old. And thats that. Hihi.

I was freaking out a little bit a few days ago because I thought birthday need to be special and what should I prepare for this day. And realizing that I wont be doing anything special- I kind of get depressed a little bit I thought Im not giving myself a special treatment asdfghj

But as today comes in, I realized it doesnt have to be any big event for this day to be special. It will be special if I think of it that way. Honestly I keep trying to avoid or skip today so I dont have to go through it. I know thats weird but whenever my birthday comes by each year, I tend to be a little depressed, seriously.

That is because I tend to think that since a year has passed since my last birthday what have I achieved in the meantime? I'll start to list down things that I do and blame myself if it doesnt exceed my expectation of myself. Honestly that will repeat next year and without realizing I didnt appreciate the me whom actually having the birthday. I was too focused on the last year self and that is not okay, really.

I was about to commit the same mistake this year until a friend from matriculation send me a birthday wishes last night. It seemed like she was generously waiting for 12AM so she could wish me birthday exactly when my birthday start! It might looked typical but I realized something from there; the fact that theres someone who tries her best just to do the most obvious thing but still that really warms my heart and I cannot stop appreciating what she did. It was as simple as a birthday wishes and a edited aesthetic collage of myself in which I assumed she screenshot from my Instagram account but still that really really warms my heart. ANd I actually feels bad for thinking that it would be typical to wish me birthday at 12AM. Sigh.

Again, it also made me think that I dont need any event celebration just because its my birthday. I can just go to work, watch Namjoon's vlive from last night (in which I consider as a pep talk to start the day! haha) and kind of procrastinate my labworks today- that already makes me feel special! Also I made a journal spread dedicated for myself last night just like how I made one for Jungkook during his birthday! All of these actions already make my day a little different from other days so I guess- thats special! :)

So to my twenty-three self; this is the age where you might feel very confused about yourself. This self is the midperson between your student and adult life (in fact, you're in a situation where you dont even know whether to call yourself a student or a research assistant in real life). But again, this is your youth. After all, youre the only one having the utmost responsibility towards your life. You will face hardships, but it will be alright.

You've passed the SAVE ME phase, it's the IM FINE phase now.

By that I really mean that you're starting the adult life now but since its something that you will keep becoming rather than a transformation as a whole, it's fine its alright you have you; us-in-you. We'll get through this together until the end :)

I really hope I can write more since Im really into it right now I really want to write how 'Im Fine' by BTS really suits this situation right now I also want to talk more about my Twenty-Three in details but I'll just stop here. All of this thoughts right now really warms my heart Im about to melt down in uwu :3

I'm alive

So hey after two birthdays passed, I'm here!

I'm sorry I am super sorry to overzealous for abandoning it for about 15 months now. I am super sorry towards my existence as a whole because not that I stop writing or losing the need to write but since I dont have time to focus on writing lengthy things I just opt to other ways for example now I have a Whatsapp grop in which I am the only member so I can write anything I want there, for my own attention. And I also have second Instagram account in which I could express the unexpressed and a Twitter account, which Ive been using as an escape since 2008. And to be honest, I do wrote lengthy things sometimes as .doc files such as my undergraduate semester reviews haha (^^") So I still write- I still need to write; I never in fact lose the need to express myself in words. I just found more easier and convenient ways. I was never abandoning this blogspot, really.

I dont really know how to do a post connected to the previous one from 2016 though. Do I relate or do I ignore>>> IDK Im not sure lets just not say anything.

And the fact that Im here doesnt mean that Im going to be active. I'm not going to give a false promise to myself this time. I'm not even sure when my next visit in this blogspot will be . I might not post anything after this post haha. But knew that, it had been important for the young teenager me. That this is the only media to write for her in the past. Had she not wrote here sometimes, what would had happen by now? Lmou.

And since the current me may had changed a lot from the last me I described myself here; lets just say that this is the 2017-2018 bionikiim. Even if I read this in the future, I want this current me to be remembered as 2017-2018 bionikiim, the twenty-years old to-be self. And ohh- if I could say this, let me do a shoutout to my second Instagram account @asdfghjklbionikiim. She's the one Im holding hard into. Like scroll into her, you might be see the me-in-me. Lolololololol. Haha kbye. Thats all.

Till next time in which noone knows when, wasalam :)

I'm twenty-one

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

So now I'm twenty-one. 21st times since 3rd September 1995.

I'm breathing for 21 years already.

I have many things to say but I'll save it for a bigger post.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

#journeytoadultlife

a concern i stumbled upon while planning a 'myself' event

Is it just me or every single twenty-years-old has no fight spirit in them? like- literal fighting spirit that infires all the time rather than the one that is ambiguous between life and dead.

Basically what I'm doing is- I was trying to read some inspirational+insfiring materials for a real blog post before my 21st birthday. I was thinking about gifting myself a good heed sections in my blog dedicated for twenty-one years old me. this year, I'm trying to play it cool as I am past over my hwa-yan-yeon-hwa (read: the most beautiful moment in life aka youth) excitement so yeah, I am openly thinking about my birthday from a third person view. I am not going to be corcerned about what other people think of it but my view (as the third person) matters #myviewmatter

It might sounds confusing but roughly, I am going to treat myself better than anyone else this birthday. So rather than just having the past-kimah, present-kimah and future-kimah involved, I will let the main me which is myself (the biggest portion of me aka real kimah) to control the event and lead the whole plan. I just want to make 21 years old kimah to feel appreciated just as 17 years old (peak age) kimah. I want her to know that even though she's lacking, I will still protect her.

Enough for the event spoiler. I dont want to be spoiled by myself for this big event. Haha. Thus frankly speaking while looking for the materials for the event, I was searching for articles about how sometimes human can feel much smaller than their younger self. For example, why do we change from being all mighty about our self then after we grew and things don't go the way we ought it would be, then only disappointments and regrets are left. Generally, I was looking for articles and inspiration along that mindset but honetsyly I was a bit taken aback because I can't find the exact materials. Nothing along the planned concept. And you know what's worse? The search results take me to articles listing the things I want to tell my younger self so they'll learn EXCUSE ME WHAT? What I am looking for is THAT list but written from my younger self address to my present and future self not the way around!

Which makes me think- am I the only adult living in regrets from the past? Is everyone else succeed and happy with the present self? Tbh, I am not that disappointed and regretting my present life I am on a mission to tell my present and future life that we're doing goooooooood and that even if whatever happen- as long as you believe in you (or more like I believe in me) then I GOT YOUR BACK! That's the concept for my birthday event. That's that.

..

What exactly is my purpose on writing this? I thought I was going to rant about how none of the search result meet my expectation but it doesn't sounds so. This post is more like urm spoilers to my birthday event? Haha yeah maybe. But whatever it is, things had been said (or accurately written down) so Imma post this up though ;)

And I am really hoping that I can give me an amazing birthday event ever. Since I have no good camera, no laptop (my charger cord snapped T____T) I'm not sure but I hope it will be a good memory from twenty-years old me <3

Ads

Because I couldn't stand how my rant post is on top of page thus the born of this post. HHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Well really though, I was so emo in the last post. I resist myself but still it's overflowing ahhahahahhahaahaha I hate me ahhahhahahahhahahahhaha.

So let me rant about my new obsession. Well if I were to say it in a better word, then it's love, not an obsession. Brohohooo.

Oemji how obvious is this? Haha.

Disclaimer: Ok so I am not going to rant as a fangirl but as a mature fangirl. So don't expect this to be a cringy-worth post. Even if it doesn, read this in a very mature and professional way.

First, I wasn't really into them. I basically stopped liking new groups as I enter degree life. Technically it wasn't really stopped. I realized that it was just a hiatus lol in another words, the well-behaved sasaeng in me made a comeback!

Loving rap, I passionately love Rapmonster's masterpieces. Then I discover Suga's talents geezzzz my mind blew. Then Busan namja Park Jimin creeps on me, rudely and cutely at the same time. I wasn't that fond of Jeon Jungkook and Kim Taehyung before. They're like typical idols but then I discovered they are not. They. are. not. ANd Jung Hoseok, he's such a sunshine I no longer live in darkness. Seokjin? He's like, if I could word him, he's VERY-OMMA-LIKE.

There you goes. A summary of them all. It sounds typical right? As if I havent feel this way before with my previous oppars lulz. But no, they're different. If I am to compare BTS with EXO (which is my previous obsession before I went into hiatus), they're strangely different. Maybe the age? I could relate a lot more. And the fact that they must have suffered more, no yes? If you're a fan then you must know this. Both groups are amazing but really, I considered EXO as the chaebol main lead in dramas while BTS, well those main leads who have no money with them and come to Seoul from the rural areas lol

No hate because I probably was more fanatic during EXO era than BTS era but I can feel this era deeper lolz. The fact that I have two members the same age as mine and a dongsaeng. Freaking dongsaeng I do not just accept anyone as my dongsaeng except for Zelo now how is Jeon Jungkook two years younger than me? ORZ he legitly does not look like one and that's the problem. How is a 15 years old have so many talents? And how does he cope with being a trainee at a very young age while having a battle with himself? How well did his mental coping up with stress and being away from hometown, following words of unknown adults? That scares me and the more I was scared by the thoughts, the more I feel like protecting fetus Kookie but it was all in the past. I was late. He coped well and that is why hats off to him. The same goes to 95-liners Park Jimin and Kim Taehyung. How amazing it is to putting aside your rebellions just to satisfy the audience. THAT CREEPS ME OUT ;~; /clap clap/

..

I sounded a bit too deep into my emotional though haha where's the mature and professional comments? I sounds just like any over-protective fans lol Anyway, if you're having a bad day, I suggest any BTS songs muahhaha no matter the most hype up songs or sad-that-I-want-to-hide-in-the-Earth-core songs would lift you up especially the rap parts. They spit nothing but the truth. SOmetimes it hurts more because points are well taken so beware lol.

To me, nothing speaks more honesty than 480p colour coded videos of BTS on Youtube.

I'm almost three years old

Hola cómo estás hermosas personas! ♥

So first, I am here again after 3 months eh?  After contemplating and reflecting a lot, I am finally here. Phew. What should I start with first though? 

Ok so, my semester 4 ends (well not completely as my final examination result is not. yet. announced.) which means my second year of degree is also completed. I AM A THIRD YEAR DEGREE STUDENT NEXT SEMESTER! Weheee, my heart is flattering. 

And as usual, I am here every semester break to sum up the whole semester. That's the reason why I gather up all energy and starts using my finger muscles to write this. Yes people I dont use much of my fingers except for scrolling my newsfeeds. Hoho.

So how would I describe my fourth semester? Depressing. Yeah it's depressing how I use the word to describe my whole semester right? I am not as affected now but I remember how depressing it was. Certainly, fourth semester won't be playing nice with you. Wait, this reminds me of BTS's Second Grade. Let me go find the lyrics and paste it here while I'm on it.

I’m already in my second year (oh no)
At the blink of an eye, time is so fast (go go)
Work hard play hard right
A year passed like a miracle bye
But what to do? I’m getting worried
I might be a bit more comfortable but there’s still so much to learn
Every time I get a break, the teacher keeps nagging
“You need to take the test!”
What do you mean test
Teacher, we are human too
Just nod along, nod
Let’s push everything back today and go tease the juniors
I’ll go to the PC cafe today, I can’t sleep

Yeah second year do that to everyone I guess. Well seeing that my whole semester doesn't feel as depressing now haha #positivitypower Ok so now instead of complaining about it like a baby, I'll write about how those depressing moments help me to think.  It's time for my inner Socrates to come out and make its comeback wohooo.

Okay to start, let me list down things that I am proud of myself for the semester: 1) Jogjakarta Trip 2)... 3)... Well I guess thats it. The wisata to Jogjakarta was the only worth mentioning. There's a few here and there achievements but I dont think they're big events. Oh I donated blood twice this year! Okkkk cool. But other than that? No, ok no.

Honestly, my semester starts amazingly. But as it goes, everything went into the drain. Say it, friendships, studies, excitement, managements, me myself-- everything starts going wrong. It could had started because of me myself and the domino effect affect everything else, who knows? I had a few conflicts with my friends that cause me to be depressed for a long time, I had no motivation to be active in lectures and lab activities (well this is mainly because of the friendship conflicts too), my time and energy managements sucks that cause pains in the butt. Literally I. was. not. worth. my. time. at. all.

Everything happened at once and there's a point where I feel like hating myself so much. Everything was my fault. It was because of me that my friends misunderstand things, it was also because of me who is a scaredy cat to explain things, it was also because of me the conflicts get worse. Frankly speaking, I was the reason for everything. For a months or two, I was not myself and none of my friends are themselves. Not to mention, there's a few voices keep whispering how I should have be selfish and leave my friends. Well I don't blame them, they only saw the good side of me they didn't know I had a monster in me and my friends saw a glimpse of it, no one is to blame except me. 

..

If I were to write everything, This is going to be a very depressing post. The thoughts are coming back to me-- each and every single things. Funny how even when things are settled now (I am not even sure, but at least I want to think that way haha), these thoughts still affect me. Tiny bits of me are shaken up wohooo stop I dont want the future me to read this and cringe all over muahhahahaha.

Well well, the lesson learned are that I must not give people false assumptions. I realized it was my mistakes in the first place. I have been very opened during my third semester that my friends (or a friend in particular) becomes, somehow too attached to me. And when my life is upside down, (honestly, I have this period of upside down every months or two, it's not even that serious I just need to be alone) I will shush people out of my area and rebuild the wall each time. So they are often taken aback by my actions and question why? They thought I was being all opened already when the truth is I never. So that's basically the problem. The root of all troubles. Me giving false hopes to people and never try to explain it (WAIT I KNOW IF ONLY I EXPLAIN IT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND APOLOGIZE THINGS WILL NEVER BE THAT BAD BUT PEOPLE I CANT SAY IT I DONT TALK ABOUT IT THE WALL IS THERE NOT FOR NOTHING I WAS FINE YOU CAN USE MY ALL THE TIME ALL YOU WANT BUT PLEASE WHEN I WANT TO BE ALONE LEAVE ME OUT STOP READING ME LIKE AN OPEN BOOK WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE TO READ ME LIKE AN OPEN BOOK WHEN MY OWN PEOPLE DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO?) 

..

Sorry I was a bit overwhelmed with feelings. Honestly saying, I realized everything (at least 89.9%) is my faults but I was a bit disappointed that people do not understand what my-upside-down-self really wants. Solitude. Just a mere alone moments. You should have just leave me alone with myself and come back to me in a few days. Do not try to question me because in that state, my tolerance is very low. I barely recognize friends and foe. That's what it takes to have me as a friend. Or an acquaintance. Do not try to read me. The wall wasn't there for nothing.

So after realizing my mistakes and learn from it. I changed myself. I tried not to get too close to people. Again, I'm back to zero. I'm back to me in the start where I don't let people to simply enter my life but at least this time around, I still have friends. It should be better this way aight? At least, I won't confuse people with my swinging uncontrollable moods. Haha I sounds like an emo girl I'M FREAKING 21 YEARS OLD lulz.

And with that attitude, I ended my fourth semester. Together with the helps of those friends that stay in lane. We survived our second year together. Eventhough they are not reading this, let me just express my gratitude and apologetic hearts to them.

For the friends who had offered their hands for me, those who I can share stories to. Those who stays to finish assignments, reports, projects together. Those who understand how hard it is during final exam and play just to ease the tensions of each other without compromise. Those who stand my every jokes, puns, actions, mistakes and words. Thank you. Thank you for staying even when you saw a glimpse of the monster inside me. And thank you for not questioning (:

I'm getting frustated at me

I'm getting frustated at myself too much these days. And by these days I mean since fourth semester started. My friends probably sense it already I- I don't know I'm terribly feeling sorry that they have to cope with me acting as if I'm going through secondary puberty in my life idk guys I'm sorry I acted weird like I can't even control myself what do I do.

Instead of saying that I'm in my so-called secondary puberty, I feel like I am actually undergoing my so-called mid-life crisis but I'm only in my TWENTY!! Technically, 21 so what do I mean with mid-life crisis??! Well that's exactly my problem I dont even know what I am undergoing I AM IN CONSTANT TROUBLE zZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

I got irritated super easily. I annoys everyone and everyone annoys me. I dont even have a goal these days. Nothing motivated me. All I want to do is to keep calm but I can't even pass a day without freaking out of everything. I put a IDGAF expression all the time but still I can't even help worrying. I am fragile and fragile is me.

I am super confused. All those motivational quotes doesn't seems like they work on me anymore.

I'm rebelling.
But I am not even sure towards whom.
Basically I'm rebelling towards myself.
But for what exact reason?

"I'm twenty-one is it possible to go through a teenager phase?" "Have you had the phase when you are teenager though?" "From what I can recall, I tried to, but I was too afraid to." "Well, maybe you finally gathered you courage to do so." "So you mean it is possible?" "I cannot confirm this with my lack of experience, but remember volcano will erupt because of density and pressure. The lower density of the magma relative to the surrounding rocks causes it to rise to the surface or to a depth that is determined by the density of the magma and the weight of the rocks above it. Even if it takes some more times than other volcanoes doesn't mean it won't erupt." "... Help me, counselor side of me."

:(

sow what you reap

or is it reap what you sow? erm yeah whatevar. (i actually come back from googlying it and it says reap what you sow im sorry im not good at this and i cant think what sow and reap mean blergh)

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i got my sem 3 result peopleeeeee and guess what? for the first time in my degree, i actually manage to *drum roooooooolls* alhamdulillah i get *more drum rolls* more than 3.5!!! like alhamdulillah i've always stuck with 3.5, ever since im in matriculation but sobs i proed that i can get higher. not really will say it out loud but remember my final examination post before? it was two post before. i said something about how my mother say something about the exam result and guess whattttt alhamdulillaaaaah *grinnnnnnnnnnn* i couldnt believe it myself. through this my cgpa increases! yay alhamdulillah i know it was just because of me, well alhamdulillah it's something that came through my mother's prayer who would have thought that i would have an aim bdw? for real i havent had a set up expectation for my gpa but last time i did (and that is because of my mother) well i guess i could say that i achieved it! *more grinnn* it could also be a test for me, like what if i changed after this result? becoming more arrogant? poyo? nauzubillah. can you just stay calm and have jams kimah? do not lose your jams! lulz k bye.

2015 best kdramas #imo

This is going to be different from my other posts. I'm letting my inner fangirl soul free for this one particular post where I'll rant and give short reviews on kdramas I've watched for 2015. Wohooooo.

I'll try my best to make this in chronological order. Let's start (:

SBS Wed-Thu Pinocchio 

I'm a bit biased of this drama because of Lee Jong Suk (I'll never get over School 2013 sorry not sorry) so please understand. In one side I really like it. Reporter-themed drama is not familiar to me so I get to know a lot of new thing wohooo! And Ki Ha Myung (the older version of hyung) is good looking (ouo) too. Hurm I dont really remember much what I think of this drama but as far as I could, I did overrrated the drama at first. Geeeehee 7 out of 10.

KBS Mon-Tue Healer

Awwwwwww that guy Ji Chang Wook is a bias wrecker like he just come in as coooool Seo Jung Ho but then Park Bong Soo make his way to ruin everything GAHHHH I wasnt ready for that muahhahaha poor my weak heart omsjaksg. The drama is awesome too I like Park Min Young she's cute+pretty and I love the hacker ahjumma hohoho. And did I say that any story with flashbacks of main leads destined childhood hooked me till the end? Hahhaa my heart is so easily satisfied XD 8.5 out of 10.

JTBC Tue Sunam Girls High School Detectives

Not the usual channel drama but I never regret I started. It's soooo cute like heck these high school girls are cuteee hahhaa especially their leader one curious girl WHO IS SHEEEEE?! But (because my memory is not clear) the drama ot not end smoothly right? Or if it does, the PD did a bad job because I couldnt remember anything but I remember reading things like it was underrated so there's no function to keep filming sigh I really love the group's leaderrrr <3 6 out of 10.

MBC Wed-Thu Kill Me Heal Me

Amazing! I think I've saw Ji Sung's other dramas before but he never appealed to me. But here he took the role of 7 different characters whoaaaaaa and not to forget that it's a doctor-medical kind-of dramas and I love how it is based on psychological things LIKE I LOVE HOW IT BASE ON MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES DISORDER OR D.I.D!!! Amazing amazing amazing! My fave character is definitely the real one and bad guy Shin Se Gi haha. And the Oh Ri Jin-Oh Ri Jin chemistry is cuteee. 9 out of 10.

KBS Fri Spy

Another spy-themed yeaaay but let me be frank, I started this drama simply because of Kim Jae Joong. I'm no Cassiopeia but yeah his vampire-like white face is appealing haha and I like Protect the Boss before. The story progress nicely-about how it's a North-South-China conflict I LOVE THE THEME ALR! But then kyakk I dont like it (but I dont really remember why) maybe because the main lead keeps on liking the betraying woman pfft. BUT HIS MOM IS SO COOOOL what was her name again? But she was in Roommate S2. She acts goooooooood. So points for her yeay 6 out of 10.

KBS Mon-Tue Blood

Again I started because of Ahn Jae Hyun too tempting to resist eventhough it has a childish vampire theme (brohoho did I just said that). What kind of world are we living why is there vampiressss okay enough. Urm the story was a plain one with typical vampire storyline so I can say that I enjoyed it but not really enjoyed it. Nothing much to say 7 out of 10.

KBS Mon-Tue Who Are You- School 2015

Kyaaaaa a sequel to School 2013 is it?! WOHOO I DONT CARE IF IT ISNT BUT IT IS AWESOME! Besides I love Kim So Hyun (ouo) and BTOB Sungjae is worth to watch! However I dont like Han Yi An. Not the real him because I enjoyed the Satoori-Daebak in Surplus Princess but Han Yi An just annoys me like umfpt who cares if he's the lead male I dont like him. And till the end, I really dont like the pairing I wish they let Eun Bi x Tae Kwang En Byul x Yi An *sigh* And oh the villain girl she's amazing like how well did she act because I REALLY HATE HER lulz haha 8.5 out of 10

KBS Fri Sat Producer

Well this drama receive lots of love. By lots I mean tremendous-it was even ranked first among 2015 dramas(?) Kim So Hyun is good, Cha Tae Hyun and Gong Hyo Jin are awesome and they even have IU wohoooo but the storyline was just okayyy. BUT I enjoyed seeing things from the PD and staff members perspectives and thank you for telling us how is it behind the scenes of shows we watched! I realized that I appreciated and give extra credits to the people behind every good show I watched (and criticized when the show is not good brohohoo im so bad). Considering this and that I give this drama 7.5 out of 10.

KBS Fri Orange Marmalade

I regretted trying. Haha sorry for the fans but it's not my style. I love the intro it was goood vampire-themed again (Wait arent KBS overusing this alr?) but why do I feel like it didnt fit? Everything was good individually but when they're being put together, it feels odd. But I gave it another chance (why do I bother?) until episode 11 or something when THE TYPICAL MEMORY LOSS STORYLINE STRIKE! Like whaaaaaat. I thought that was all then the PD think it was amazing to suddenly change the concept to a historical drama WAIT I CANNOT BRAIN THIS bye I cant even saw the main lead nowadays it remind me so much of the drama 3 out of 10 (because Lee Min Hyuk is a handsome vampire).

KBS Mon-Tue I Remember You

Hokay KBS you regained my trust through this one asjkajskajska my faveeee <3 EVERYTHING IS PERFECT! From the psychopathic theme, to extra bromance, to cute+lovely+iwanttokeeptheminmypocket younger version of main leads to characteristics side actors to plot twist and more plot twists to everything!!I could rant to the end of post about this but let me just try to be calm and simplify. ITS THE CREME OF THE CREME like you should aware how serious I am when I started to speak Italian ajskjaksjaa I did a video review about this it was embarrassing but proof how amazing this one is to me. Kyaaak! 9.5 out of 10!

TvN Fri-Sat Oh My Ghostess

Chef~nimmm aww I realllly really love Park Bo Young shes shooooo cute I even watched her movies afterwards haha the one with Lee Jong Suk ngeheehehee. And the chef is okaaaay like more than average okay! The ghost Kim Seul Gie I've saw her a few times now this is the first time she's almost main lead yeheee! Good job unnie. Moreover, I've develop interest in Big Bang's Loser through this drama lulz and Cordon Cordon haha 8 out of 10.

SBS Wed-Thu YongPal

Another medical-theme drama! On top of that, Joo Won is a doctor from Good Doctor like professionalzzz lol okay the first few episodes are amazing I totally recomend it to everyone like wehee watch this its awesome its a gang doctor guys how cool is that?!! But then the story become lame and lamer. I dislike Kim Tae Hee here like I know your upset gurl but nahh that's no way to do things like you arent being rescued by a prince but a mere noble man you cant expect to be like the real sleeping beautyyyyyy! Phew I got it our my chest. 6.5, no 6.2 out of 10.

KBS Mon-Tue Sassy Go Go 

MY MANNNNNNNNN hahahhaha Lee Won Geun is such a HEART FLUTTERAAAA I mean his smile could solve universal problem just whyyyyyyyyy I couldnt even blame him if Kim Yeol just smile at the arctic the polar bears might be migrating lulz Vixx Hakyeon is also amazing here hohoho bro youre too fragile please dont stay in public pleassse and I love the theme of the drama. School conflict but yet not too typical. I kind of understand Kwon Soo Ah she's desperate wuuuu ;~; thanks for making her realize and the end and thats for accepting her all of Baekho members wuuu ;~; Can't all drama just happily accepted the villain at the end I demand a world peace here wuuuu ;~; 9 out of 10.

TvN Fri-Sat Reply 1988

Ongoing drama. Im still in 16th episodes heard that its going to be 20 so yeah let me be honest I wasnt a real fan of the Reply series. I watched half of Reply 1997 and fully watched Reply 1994. And honestly this one is the best so faaaaaar! I love the families I love the scenery I love the satoori I love the character development I love the sneak peak of 2015 them I love everything! They give us details about each characters including the parents and siblings. Even romance between Sun Woo's mom and Taek's father cough cough ahahhaah AND I AM STRONGLY #TEAMJUNGHWAN Idk if the PD is going to make me suffer by ending TaekxDukSeon (or maybe with Dong Ryong theres posibilitties umpgh) but I hope it's the obvious route this time.  Dont think I'll be okay if it do not goes my way oh please PD~nim, be pressured with my threat (:

KBS Mon-Tue Oh My Venus
Another ongoing drama. I dont really gaga over Shin Min Ah and I dont favor Seo Ji Seob in his previous drama (Master Sun) so I hesitated a lot. However I kept seeing good comments and plus Henry is in there! So I give it a chance and I really like the introoooo! Hurm considering that I am watching this along with Reply 1988, this drama is a lot more adult like I was in a sea of classic, teen life and rural setting but then suddenly it got westernized and modernize through this drama. Well as the story goes, it started to become a cliche son-of-chaebol-so-issues-here-and-there but a bit realistic than most of chaebol-themed dramas *cough* The Heirs *cough* haha sorry! Not to be forgotten, I love Henry's "MAMMM!" and the other guy with Henry idr the name woopsie.

So thats basically every single dramas I watched in 2015! Phews KBS Mon-Tue dramas must really are my cup of tea I watched every single drama on the list except for the one titled something like my-daughter-in-law-something. The one with SISTAR's Dasom in it; the trailer looks like a sitcom and honestly I dont enjoy sitcom very much. Brohoho.

Hurm while I am already doing this, I'll just review some web dramas and movies eh?

GOT7 Dream Knight 
It's in 2015 right? I'm pretty sure so yeah. Well I actually watched this not knowing GOT7 members well. I only recognized JB, Jr, Jackson, Mark and Bambam (wait, that's more than half already) and I cant even distinguish between Youngjae and Yugyeom. I watched it to kill some time while I'm in my semester break. It was yeah, idk do I really need to review this? Its something that happened almost a year ago I cant remember a thing. BEEEEPPPPPPPP******

EXO Next Door
Phews lets hope I cant recall something since this one is recent hurm all I can react is hyezzz oppppppaaar like the members are my fave memberssss Chanyeol as the main lead? Asjkd. D.O as the second lead male? Asjksjd. Baekhyun as the main lead's bestfriend? Asjkajsa. Sehun and his cute neighbor bromance? Asjajshdhfj. But really Chanyeol is so emo. Like people call you Chan? AHHAHHAHHAHA and Kyungsoo is also emo what's will the down weather only Baekhyun is Byun Baekhyun. AND MOON GA YOUNG IS PWEEEETY (ouo)

Jang Soo Shop (Salut dÁmour)
Chanyeol's first movie.This time, with Moon Ga Young again. I dont usually ship oppars but theyre cute together. At the harabeoji halmeoni is so cute. Like the always angry, hard-to-approach grandfather just fall in love with the grandmother next door and changed his attitude. But the plot twist is unexpected! I mean I almost cry because of it D: So if you like family-romantic-comedy-light-themed movie then yeah go ahead :)

Coin Locker Girl
Disclaimer I watched this at first for Min I mean Park Bo Gun's sake. Its a movie about a terrifying woman loneshark who took children as her own. Hurm I dont know how to synopsis it but if you're like me, watching for PBG's sake then don't watch it, you'll be dissapointed because oppar is not very much shown and even if he is, you wont like the scenes haha no I meant it. But the story of daughter-mother relationship is worth to watch! So decide by yourself :)


And thats about it. So yeah I spent three nights writing all of this. Haha Im in my revision week people! Not me to blame on brohohohooooo :D

What a long hiatus

Nah, I just used the word hiatus as an excuse. I wasn't on hiatus, I was just busy and lazy; well that rhymes.

Ok so now is new year. Pheww another year passed. The fact that each day come and go without stopping is somehow creeps me out. Haha I'm twenty-one this year (technically I just reached twenty but yeah) who couldnt thought that? Me neither.

Well back to my life. I am currently in my final examination of semester 3. Three more papers and I'll be home or to be exact, I'm halfway to end my degree. Wow.

Things and things happened. But here I am, just finished my fourth paper- BIO564 Parasitology. I suffered two days straight because that are the only gap between the previous and this one. Tbh, I was on the edge of crying ++ suffocated halfway studying because I think I couldnt make it. The syllabi were too much haha well actually it is not that bad (Im saying this after the paper passed).

Briefly, its not that I was sad that I'll not passed it. To tell the truth, my carry mark is good like real good. For the past two semesters, I didnt even care much about my cgpa and stuff. I just aimed to do the best I can and if I still couldnt excel well yeah I'll still pat on my head and say "jarhaesseo kimah~ahh you did well" *pat*pat* However I called my mom a day before final examination starts and told her about my exam and stuff. My style on phone is kind of 'yeah I got exam tomorrow and yeah Im good Im excellently feeling okay' even when I'm not while my mom's style is like 'well youé studied enough so yeah 3.8 is probably good enough' and we're like huhuhu.

Wait, did my mother just said 3.8? Like hahhahahhahahahahahhahahahaa k mom. And somehow that joke burns me inside. Like I need to prove it, I need to get it no matter what YEAH YEAHHHH MY STUDYING SOUL IS BURNINRGHHHHHHSHGDJHH

Then the other day I was doing Parasitology I kind of feeling down thinking how impossible it is. Haha.

But now yeah I'm good. Like real real good.

Usaha. Doa. Tawakal.

That's that.
Bye.

People to people

Now, listen.

I think I am someone who possesses a good range of patience. Like I can be patient but I also can not. Being me, I can really try hard to be patient even when I am not so people won’t see through me but then again, I also can explode. When I say so, please rationally argue why is it not right or at least why you think it’s not don’t just boldly says I’m wrong because I am not proven wrong until it is rationally and scientifically justified.

Secondly, I may not have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) but I cannot stand seeing thing not in correct order. But that doesn’t mean I have to be perfectly in order all the time. I’m an INFJ, I seek for imperfection! Judge me for being messy at times but also judge me when I am obviously being structured with my stuffs.

Thirdly, there are two kind of noise around me. The noise everyone could hear and another is the noise inside of me. I am not talking about the one inside but the one outside. The physical one. My surrounding is usually noisy; I am the noise sometimes. But there are certain noises that could seriously annoy me. Like I can’t do anything as long as it’s there like it’s physically diffusing into my head and echoing in a very rude manner and I can’t do anything and it’s actually like right now. Something. Is. Playing. Something. Very Annoying. Now. Pls. STop.

K it stop. Nice.

Next is about a behaviour I cannot change. Whenever I am mad or just not in mood out of nowhere, (Yes I always get out of mood just because of nothing! Now it’s not here-now it is!!) I don’t talk. I just couldn’t tal- no I just don’t feel like talking at all. If the case is not too serious, I can at least force a smile and talk to people not acquaintance with my problem. However if the level of Mad-Eye-Moody is over the limit, I would really prefer to be alone. Like. I. Have. To. Be. Alone or I’ll slice you into pieces. No really, I can be slightly irrational when I’m like erm emo? I also tend to do things alone even if it was actually a group work. I would silently work on it alone or go somewhere I need to alone (I am quite a clinger so this is a big deal).

See, I am normal.

I have problems like others too why can’t people treat me just like another mere people?
Sometimes, can’t people come and howdy me like people would do to people?

“In every single person, there are two kinds of wolves. One is the hate, lust, discriminative, regret and another is love, hope, passion, fairness,. These wolves are always fighting-there’s always a fight happening inside of you. However each time, only one wolf will win. Which is it? It is the one you feed.”

hurm

Just a brief rant.

I saw a draft in my spider-webbed blogpost. I feel like posting it, it's undone but I just want to post it here. Idk it's just yeah.

So here it is;

Well, I think I am different. I feel 26378929x different from the me. It’s not just that I think I am ignorant but it’s a whole new level of idk how to express this... heck-kind-of-attitude?  I stop giving a thing to everything and everyone. Including me myself. Unlike before, I don’t even care about what happened, what’s happening and what’ll happen to myself. I do not feel superior nor am I being protective over myself anymore. I feel like I AM LESS THAN ANYBODY. Less than my siblings, less than my close-relatives, less than my friends, less than my peers, less than anyone I met even briefly on the street to FSG. I feel like I am a shame to myself thus the un-protectiveness. I do, somehow feel bad about it though. I feel bad for the me who is abandoned - who all this while, only have myself over my back. I feel bad for the me who knows nothing and suddenly be shut off by myself. The innocent, pure little girl inside me. I also feel bad for the me who used to be happy protecting myself, picking myself up when things are hard to manage that turned cold-hearted toward the other me(s). It exasperates me, it bothers me, it hurts me. But nothing I can do about that.The fact that I am realizing this situation is also a coincidence. I don’t even realize that the me(s) are suffering – because of me myself.

What really happened?

I can’t recall a specific reason for that. Is it because of the no-time-for-self because I am busy with my study or because my time is occupied with empty laughs? I admit laughing and joking around a lot more this semester. Because I have my ‘gu’. And we have nonstop topic to talk about. I then became a bit too comfortable with the situation that I forget about everything else. The thing about being happy with friends isn’t the problem. I am the problematic one. I rarely have the moment of solitude as the only thing I cared about every morning is about going to class with my ‘gu’. The togetherness makes me forget that I need a moment for myself – to sit back, relax and think. TO organize everything in its place. Yes I look okay always tagging along with friends, I don’t look as much lonely as I was in semester one but I often have this suffocating, not getting enough oxygen. Laughing is the best medicine but who says you could consume medicine as your daily meal? We cannot have too much of a good thing. 

When we’re being hurt by anyone important in our life, we tend to slow our pace down below their level and have a deep talk with ourselves. That way we can fix what’s wrong with us, mend our hearts and become stronger by not depending too much on others. But again when we’re being too comfortable being around others, we would feel insecure when they’re not by our side. Service not available, said our heart. In my case, even when that happen I just have to make up another scene in my head “ahh that is normal. In every group of people, sometimes some people are hurt unintentionally – well let’s not be sad and enjoy yourself hahahhahhahahhahahhaahhahhaha”. Pathetic. I no longer have any sympathy on myself, don’t even bother to tarbiyah my soul by being extra optimistic. Yess being positive is a good thing but when you’re seeing the glass half full even when it’s empty – that’s a serious problem!

I said that it’s going to be a quick rant but I probably already say it better than what I think I am feeling. I’m not even sure whether I am not awakened or I am being immuned. But whatever it is, you better think of the other you(s) kimah. And if you really don’t know where you’ve got off the track, you better start seeking the 17 y/old you. She suffered a lot at her age and she probably know you better than you do now. Seek the wise in you, care for the young in you and leave the best for the future you.

Honestly I feel good saying this. Through words. Because in fact I don’t even know what I am actually feeling unless I start to write it down. Words just keep on flowing – fingers automatically pressed down the keyboard. And again I feel really bad for that part of myself. If and only if I haven’t had any intention on doing this, to whom must she say this? When I am turning my back from me, then who am I going to lean on?

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I used to think that I'm the best..

Back then, I used to think that I am the best (read: naega jeil jalaga) as in the best of the best but still, I'm not the overly narcissistic kind of. I acknowledge my flaws and imperfections but it's just something that I deeply put in myself; I AM THE BEST.

Yes I'd never had high confidence level when I'm in public but I've always seen me as the best. I'm good in everything! I'M A KID PRODIGY lulz well that's how I saw myself (or at least what I think of myself all the time. Alone.) because well hey positive thinking leads to positive outcome! I was a bright kid no this is for real. Basically I could do things most kids in my age had never heard about. For example, I've used helps from Google since I was in standard 6 despite the fact that I am actually a Kelantanese (read: I was indeed a village kid well you know what Im saying) while the best my friends could do is playing Paint on the computer. Obviously, most of my awesomeness are since I have so many brothers and sisters (well again, this is why I couldn't really brag about my awesomeness I'm INFJ guys this is a another separate story) but really, I'm so good during my 12-17 years old that I'm ashamed as a 20 years old now.

Why am I ashamed? Well I'm 20 now. Legit 20. And now that I'm writing this down, I still cannot brain how am I twenty? I used to think that 20 years old is somehow very far to achieve as a teenager. As it must be a fully grown age, totally different from the un-matured me. Hurm, well I was not completely right. It's true that somehow because of the age difference and the experiences faced in life difference, we could say that the current me is matured but how exactly is the word 'maturation' defined? 

Nowadays, I kept thinking of my past selves. The un-matured but more concious selves. I used to think about everything now it seems like I thinking about nothing and the worst part is, I am not even trying! I am entirely a paradox. My current self is a walking paradox. I'm losing all those awesomeness and I couldn't even dream about being the best me, ever again.

I'm twenty yet what do I achieve? I barely achieve dekan in my first semester and suffocated to finish second semester and still cannot predict how my semester two cgpa would be. I suffocated. Barely able to breath and that was just my FIRST YEAR OF DEGREE. I failed my MARA and JPA scholarships application (MARA: post SPM and JPA: first and second sem in degree). Yes I have no rezeki but to me, it's more than that; I'm lacking the requirements that's why. And I didn't learn from past experience. Shame on my face.

I'm twenty and I'm not even good in my hobbies. Remember the past me -- the die hard fangirl me? She's all immature but well she's got the skills. If I was still the same girl I'd probably bring me higher well she got the jams; she's the best introvert-extravert personality of mine. The persistence and perseverance she put in everything she did were just amazing. Now I don't even have the heart to finish what is undone. *sigh I need to have a continuous hobby like editing videos, photoshopping, website designing, stalking etc.

 Idk what to say anymore, I'm already out of feels ahahhaha; I'll leave you with urm my new favourite -- the psycophatic trio lee hyeon min and lee joon young #psycopathsFTW #lulz

9 Confessions of an INFJ about Conflict

1. I take conflict personally. I tend to blame myself, even if it’s not completely my fault. I’m not like Thinking types (especially the ENTJ or ESTJ), who can detach themselves from the conflict and debate simply as a mental exercise.
2. I’m a gentle soul, and “fighting” has a different definition for me. It isn’t just yelling. It can be as little as the other person raising his or her voice and snapping at me, criticizing me, or disagreeing with me.
3. If you actually yell at me or insult me, I will be wounded for a long time. This is why, as a kid, I rarely misbehaved. I was always that good child, the good student. I couldn’t bear to have an adult scold me. When the teacher yelled at other kids in my class, I felt the tension so real within me, it could have been happening to me.
4. With that said, there’s a side of me you’ll hopefully never see. Don’t underestimate my gentle nature. I’m not all warm fuzzies and smiles. If you cross one of my deeply held inner values, I become extremely outspoken and crusading. If I see someone else being hurt, I’ll have a strong urge to be their protector and defend them. An angry INFJ can deliver a wrath and intensity you’ve probably never experienced before. 
5. I tend to internalize conflict (just like I do with all of my emotions). I feel conflict and stress physically in my body, until it’s resolved.
6. I’ll think about everything that was said during the fight a thousand times. I’ll replay your words and mine and feel the emotions again and again each time. This is my introverted intuition and introverted thinking functions at work, trying to analyze and assign meaning to what happened. My mind will be so busy, I may have a hard time sleeping.
7. It takes a long time for me to calm down. If you’ve aroused my anger, it will simmer for a while. If I’m sad, it will take me a while to become happy again. This is because, as an introvert, I process my emotions very deeply.
8. Sometimes I bottle up my feelings for too long. I’m afraid that if I say how I really feel, I might hurt you. That’s the last thing I want to do. Plus, I think in images, so sometimes I just don’t have the words to say how I’m feeling.
9. Conflict is overstimulating for my sensitive, introverted system. You may experience this as the “INFJ freeze.” I have heard you, but my mind is paralyzed and I have no idea what to say back. So I sit there, staring, in silence.       

Taken here. There's 10 confessions but I couldn't really relate to the tenth. This is so accurate I feel like I should post this everywhere so the people around me could read it ut again, no I won't. I can't.

How to find the me in me

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

So lately, I've been worrying.. Well actually for years not just lately but since situations make it worst these days, I'm feeling like writing about it.

How do I start this?

Well starting the end of last semester, whenever I want to exactly describe me in one word I would just say that I'm an INFJ. As far as I know, I'm an INFJ through and through. This MBTI personality type describe me better than I had been doing for the past 19 years. Ironically as it might sound, it is a meaningful thing for someone like me to know it is not just me. Ironically as it might seem, at least I know there's more people out there having the same personality traits as me. It's like an ADHD person who don't freaking know what on Earth makes them different from others at school and later realized it's because they are special. Or any DID person who didn't know about the presence of another man in his own body but later becoming one with it. IDK if my analogies make sense that's how I feel. Bdw, I LOVE YOU FELLOW INFJs! I've said this once and other INFJ heard me and thanked me too for my existence which is a beautiful thing well this is becoming random.

Enough of the INFJ talks. The thing is if I have a slightest thing I couldn't agree with the personality type is that an INFJ present themselves amazingly. They are known for being a good speaker and would influenced people through words (eg: Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi) which is the exact opposite of me. Because for me, communicating with Earthlings is one of the most difficult things to do! No I'm not recluse or anti-social or extremely introvert type. I could say hi to a stranger I met in public. Its just that I only have several kind of people in my life:

1.  The one I love and look up to and have to compete up to their level because I want their recognition even though they are not really expecting me to but I'm forever not going to be on their level but still, I love them but still am going to be acknowledged by them one day so I need to make sure they only see the flawless me.
2. The peer type, those I didn't care showing what I'm all about because I don't need to give reasons to my acts. Might consists of those from #1 which sometimes I believe I could spill part of my heart to these people but not entirely. Just in case.
3. The I look up to and hope they notice me type. It's a bit like #1 but this group is mostly those I meet in the phase of growing up and I don't really have affection as I am to group #1 for this group. Eg: those I found perfect (mostly those in persatuan) and I want them to notice my abilities but forever couldn't because I can't show it to them ugh frustating
4. The others. Those yeah I know your name you know my name I can be normal friends to you but please don't approach me or try to make conversation while I'm not with any of #1 or #2 because I cannot communicate with you without being awkward.
5. Everyone else. The 'I can say hi to stranger I meet in public space' reference.

So exactly how do one present themselves well? How do people say what's on their mind? How do people not get nervous at the thought of being judged? How do they not having shivers on the spine while being the centre of attention? How do one overcome the gush of adrenaline? How do people glue their words together so they don't stutter? How do people manage not be having blackout then lose every single points about what they're about to say?

I don't know.

I might not know.

Rabbisyrahli sadri wayassirli 'amri wahlul 'ukdatan min lisani yafqahu qauli.

O my Rabb, make peace of my heart make ease of my daily affairs release the knots of my tongue so they can understand my words. Amin ya Rabbal 'laminn.

I want to write

It's been almost the start of my fourth week here in UITM Shah Alam for Semester 2 and I have many things to rants out but I havent had the time to actually do that. No I'm not busy just not yet caught the right moment. Phewww I really want to though (:

Update: Third Language Dilemma

Well, erm I found out that we can start registering for our third language course. I was yeah 89.79% determined I'll choose Spanish. Uh yeahhhh.

But then I realized there's no option for Spanish. Dengggg that was harsh haha.

So I'm sticking with Mandarin for now. I know I know, that wasn't even in my option list but what can I do; being rejected as soon as you've made your choice was harsh and I couldn't think straight. Well, might just took risks. Oh bdw, Mandarin yeah I wasn't really looking forward to because it's a bit difficult. BUT IT COULD BE BENEFICIAL AITE? Like who knows I might bump into Wu Yin Fan on the streets then wohoo can I communicate with him then BAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA just kidding that imagination is pretty lame. Besides Kris know English and Korean, that might be better alternatives hurm..

Well then, yeah that's it. Updatezzzz.

And ohh I drew the girl above haha pretty good for tangan kayu like me aite? Wu Yi Fan might cry because of this; I drew betterrrrRrrrrr

Signing off,

KimCasso <3

Third Language Dilemma

Semester II starts next week and I still couldn't choose between Spanish, Japanese, Germany or Arabic for my third language.

HALP ;~;

*insert funky intro music*

Okay here's the deal; my semester break is over and I'll be going back to UITM Shah Alam this Saturday. And next Monday will be my first class for new semester. And in part two, I am supposed to take a few compulsory subjects with some electives. One of the electives is Third Language. YES LONGLY AWAITED ANTICIPATED WE GON' GIVE IT ALL WE GOT IT OR LOSE IT cough cough sorry get caught in Round 1 /cough cough/ What I meant is, I've always wanted to learn a new language and the addition point is, FORMALLY! I'll be taught by a real, not virtual teacher in class! Well how exciting will it be? :DDDDD

Even though frankly speaking this is not my third language. Informally not really. Because my third language is Arabic (well obviously, duh gah I used to formally learned it in Maahad yes) and I learned Korean and little bit of Spanish informally. So I don't really know how many -th this new language will be okay enough crapping BAHAHAHHAHA I'm sorry those are not even formal learning and even my formal learning aren't excellent how dare you talk like a language expert Kimah /cough cough/

I'm in third paragraph and I haven't wrote my dilemma yes yes so this is it; I need to do my course registration but I still cannot decide what language will I choose for my third new language. These are the comparison between them:

Spanish:

Well heck yeah soy un dorito como estas muy bien ohohohoho por favorRrrr I've always love Spanish for this. I cant really describe 'this' but it's a really unique and powerful language to me. A random Youtuber turned me into a Spanish freak two years ago for random reason. And it's cool. Super cool.

Japanese:

Fyi, I've been wanting to learn Japanese way before I learned Korean. Remember, I'm all senpai's before I am oppa's. But all my attempts halted halfway through. Well, it's obviously not a language you can learn online without much determination I guess.

Germany:

This particular country kind of hit me somewhere in my arteries. I don't know much about it but I am very much intrigued by it. The only word I knew is danke but I still have space in my heart for this language. Strange. Strange indeed. But not to forget, its coooooool too.

Arabic:

Well /cough/ five years in Maahad, I sure learned but the best I could speak is basic Arabic I guess. With some phrases and dalil and mu'jam and qaulul hukama' I memorized for insya' (Arabic essay) in the past. I'm not lying when I said there are parts of me wanting to learn this back, polishing what I've got. But -- I'll leave the but later.

extra Korean:

I put this on the list for the fact that I am not a beginner for this language but neither a professional. I am an amateur but I won't choose this language I am uhm pretty sure maybe. I don't want to be called so called Korean fans whatsoever. I don't want people come up to me saying annyeong haseyong anneyong haseyong ANNYONG HASEYONG all the time. I'm sorry that's pretty intolerant of me but yeah I'm sorry.

If I can just follow my heart then I'll choose Spanish. It's unique it's cool it's my dream it's beneficial it's what most people in Europe can speak it's closer to France which is also cool it's well yeah perfect. That's what my heart tells me. My brain however couldn't agree very much. Most of my friends are taking Arabic, it's the easiest and simplest choice they didnt have to think much they just want to pass the course nicely and it's Arabic everyone should learn Arabic, it's the language of Jannah! Another thing is because I am alone in this path of choice, what if I couldn't handle it and well, technically ruining my result? I'm scared.

And..urm I also have this little guilt of me. "Why can't I just take Arabic and be happy?!" Well, I know my Arabic isn't really good and I should take it in order to polish it while being good in grades but I'm not certain I'll be 100% satisfied. Come on! I finally get a chance to formally learn a new language I want to use this opportunity to the fullest. Besides, someone used to say that the Arabic syllabus in UITM isn't like the one you learn at school. All the nahu soraf, I'm not sure but I dont think we are taught from hua huma hum to everything! Again I'm sorry but if we're just learning the Communication Arabic then I think no. I'd rather choose other language then.

I'm getting emotional somehow, how?

But still I cannot clearly say Spanish. I'm forever indecisive. Too coward for nothing (and I dare claiming I have a girl crush on Katniss Everdeen? like whoa I need to stop) Well I hope there's someone I know taking the same class. I'm just scared I would flown away to the moon, alone. And there's absolutely nothing official yet. I might just really take Arabic at the end. But whatever might happen, I pray it's the best for me.

"..and it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you; and Allah knows while you know not" [Al-Baqarah:216]

So yeah, lose up and giddy up girl. Let's not think until it's time :DDD

Perginya seorang murabbi

It was a Friday night. A calm and peaceful Friday night when the news of Tok Guru Nik Abdul Aziz leaves the dunya to met his Rabb reached us. We were prepared for this news, we knew he didn't have much time left but for a moment, no one speaks a word. Everybody seems blank and trying to gather our minds together. He's gone. He really is.

I couldn't talk much about him, I've not know him personally nor did him. Yes we're related by blood somehow but a far relative (after all, we both have Nik in our name). But to be honest, from the day I was born, my family respect him so much and he's so close to our hearts that when we were young we called him Ayoh Zik instead of Tok Guru. As I could recall, he came to our house many times whether it's for wedding, newborn ritual ceremonies (aqiqah) or just for visiting. So to us, he's not just our Menteri Besar, he is our ahli dewan undangan negeri (ADUN), a murabbi, an elder relative, someone I would put in the same level of my family. 

Every time he came to our house for aqiqah, I wished to have him doing the aqiqah ritual to my child. Then I realized the age gap is too long it might not worked out. Next time he came for my brother/sister's wedding, I wished he would be the man who shake my husband's hand for akad. Then seeing he's growing old I said to myslef, this might didn't work out too. Then each time it's time for General Election (GE), being someone who always butt in with the election process I am, I was determined to give my first official vote to him as our ADUN! And I couldn't wait for the moment. Yet Allah says otherwise. he will go and meet Him sooner than that. And I'm still not eligible to vote for upcoming PRK #Chempaka. And since semester 2 is around the corner, I might couldn't give as much manpower for Chempaka by-election. Allahhhh :'( The only thing I was able to do is doing the ritual prayer (solat jenazah) for him. With other millions of people. May Allah count this one for him amin ya rabbal 'alamin.

Back to when I was in primary school. Everytime we were asked about who we idolize, I couldn't help but to say Tok Guru Nik Abdul Aziz but my friends would stop me, my alter-ego would stop me. Because apparently, he is someone associated with PAS. And at that age, it is never a right thing to say something associated with PAS because you'll get marked by teachers and getting a student fund is almost impossible (well literally the money is from BN government said some 'educated' katak bawah tempurung) then. Well that is the logic that we all knew all. So I frequently said a random great people I've heard of (eg: Yusuf Qardhawi i'm not even sure I really knew him at that time though *smile*) but never anyone from Malaysian leaders! I guess I know the feeling feel-wronged from primary school then.

Well when I was in Maahad, that is absolutely far away from being a problem! You can even talk politics HAHHAHAH HA HA *clear throats* well yess with your friends. And having to meet TGNA a few times make me quite a lady among my friends :)

And last night, I was given the chance to reach TGNA's house. there's already thousands of people, wishing too see him for the last time. He was placed in a room but I didn't walk in. I couldnt drag my foot to enter the room. I don't feel deserved. He's in the heart of millions I don't feel deserved and I'm afraid I would burst into tears upon seeing him. His face would stay in my heart.

And the first thing I noticed when I walked into TGNA's house, three girls aged around 7-9 years old (TGNA's grandaughters) were reciting Yassin in a corner. Quietly. Afraid that they might be a nuisance to their parents I guess. That's when I realized; when Allah take a star from us, He grant us more of young and bright stars to lead the next ummah generation. He took back one, he gives thousands so make sure we are included in that thousands! Allahuakbar.

 

O Allah, You've granted us a very great man. Now Ya Rabbi grant him the best of jannah and give us strength to overcome the upcoming days. Amin ya rabbal álamin.

Allahumaghfirlahu warhamhu wa'afihi wa'fu anhu. O Allah! Forgive him, bestow mercy upon him, pardon him, accord him a noble provision and make his grave spacious. Amin ya Allah.